Tuesday, July 31, 2012

"Jesus Take The Wheel" is terrible.

I just heard "Jesus Take The Wheel" for the first time.  Fucking assclowns, that's a stupid song.

Basic gist: lady is driving to her parent's house for Christmas, running low on "faith and gasoline."  I would honestly be more worried about the gasoline, unless you're driving the Popemobile.  So she's driving with her kid in the backseat, low on gas, she's not paying attention to the road, she's speeding, and it's a snowy night. And somehow, this leads to her "spinning on a thin black sheet of glass" because whaaaaaaat, a shitty driver loses control of her car?  No fucking way!!!

And then the stupid part comes.  She's so scared and terrified that she doesn't even have time to cry!  Though it takes like a second or less to yelp when you find your car spinning off into a ditch, but whatever, it's been established that her reflexes are shit.  She does, however, have time to "throw her hands up in the air" and beg Jesus to take the wheel.

OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS WOMAN ALLOWED TO DRIVE.  Pro tip, when you lose control of your car do not let go of the wheel you fucking titshit.  The magical sky fairies will not intervene when you consciously allow a bad situation to get worse because you say "fix it for me I fucked up!"

"It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder," what?  No, seriously, what?  Is this a Day After Tomorrow situation where the temperature drops significantly in two seconds and flash-freezes the country?  Is that why she can't drive, her tires are coated in frozen Astroglide or something?  Anyway, whatever.  Car comes to a stop on the side of the road, lady's all "holyshitJesus!" and starts praying or something.  Apparently losing control of her car is a metaphor for the rest of her life which is equally shit.  So she goes "well fuck, my life is miserable!  Fix it for me please Jesus" because the accident taught her that she doesn't have to do anything and the magical sky fairies will make everything better if she just sits back and changes nothing and lets everything get worse.  Or something.  Oh, she says she has to change her life.  Wait, that's exactly the opposite of what you're saying when you ask Jesus to take the wheel!  Oh my god she's an idiot as well as a bad driver.

Final point, the phrase "she threw her hands up in the air" is ridiculous.  When I try to imagine that scene, all I can think of is either "She's ragequitting her car crash" or this:

PS: TK, if you seriously make "Jesus take the wheel" a popular saying, I will surround your house with wind chimes.

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