Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Jem and the Holograms

I fucking love Jem and the Holograms.  The series is just fantastically bad in every way.  I'm going to buy the series box set off a friend who, in a moment of insanity, bought it at HMV and has never stopped regretting the purchase, at least not that I've seen.  I don't know why.  It's such an amazing show, it's like this perfect explosion of mediocre 80's trash that somehow adds up to more than the sum of its parts.  It is so bad it has become fantastic.

I mean, just look at the opening!  The animation is admittedly six to eight times better than you will ever see in the actual show, but the rest of it is a fairly good demonstration of the show in general.  The wet troll-doll hairstyle, the inane lyrics, the freeze-frame-spinning-star-title-card at the end.  It's absolutely glorious.

So according to the lyrics, when Jem is not being Excitement or Adventure (ie. most of the time) she is Outrageous.  I could make a crack like "I disagree!  I find she is not outrageous at all, but is in fact a boring character on a terrible children's cartoon from the Eighties!"  But the actual definition for outrageous, according to Google and therefore Right and True, is this:
And honestly if I were asked to describe this show to somebody who had never heard of it, I would use all those words in the definition to describe it.  So clearly, this show knew exactly what it was talking about when it wrote the theme song.  And when it was describing the title character.  And when it was describing the music.  Jem, the music's contageous - outrageous!!  It's true, all the songs in this are shockingly bad and to call them contageous is wildly exaggerated and improbable.  Not that I'm a music critic, I leave that to Wyatt.

Though I can't figure out the eye-sparkle when Jem winks.  I get it when it pops up when she kisses Dudeface, because clearly they are into the sloppy droolfest makeouts.  Did he spit in her eye? Is that why she closed it?  And if that's what happened, was it a kink thing or is he just an ass who randomly spits in people's eyes?  Because honestly, I'd believe either.

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