Thursday, July 5, 2012

more than you needed to know about my pants

I am wearing the worst pants.

Do you know why they are the worst pants?  It's because they are secretly bad.

I've hated them for months, but I can't throw them out because one, who throws out pants don't be ridiculous.  And two, the second I take them off, I forget how terrible they are.  Because they look really good!  They fit me well, they're new-looking without any holes or wear, the hem is still attatched.  They have pockets.  You have no idea how much I love pockets, you guys.  They're great.  Like half of my pants have these shitty little pockets that I can get maybe half my hand into when I'm not wearing a ring or anything.  Or worse, they don't have pockets at all.  I have one pair of pants that has fake pockets.  They look like they have pockets!  There is the pocket opening, and a button for the pocket, and all that pockety goodness that makes you think "yup, these are some pockety pants!"  But then you try and put your hand in the pocket, and the pocket isn't there.  The pocket is fake.  It's the pocket opening sewn onto a pocketless pair of pants.  WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wait shit I started complaining about the wrong pants.  Oops.

So Worst Pants have pockets, and no holes, and all the belt loops are secure and attatched.  They look like any normal pair of NotWorst Pants.  I don't realize until like halfway through the day that the pants I am wearing are, in fact, Worst Pants.

Because that is when I realize that my fly never stays zipped.

I must have zipped my fly like five bajillion times today.  Do I have a tiny pixie living in my Worst Pants, unzipping my fly every five minutes?  Am I forgetfully unzipping my fly at random?  Am I hallucinating my pants and actually walking around in my underpants all day?  I hope it's not that last one.  That would be embarrassing.  Though compulsive fly unzipping isn't exactly elegant either.

At first I wasn't sure how to end a blog post about pants, but then I realized that there was only one way.

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