Friday, November 23, 2012

Hey America

Or rather, Hey Americans:

Don't ask me "how's your thanksgiving going!"

Thanksgiving was a month ago.  Or at least, my Thanksgiving was a month ago.  Other countries don't celebrate American holidays.  Even if every single show on TV insists on doing a Thanksgiving episode this week.  Christmas is ok, Halloween is ok, Valentine's is ok, etc etc, because those are not specifically American holidays.  But Thanksgiving in America is very specifically about Pilgrims and Indians and American history, bullshit though it may be, so don't assume it's a universal thing.  The rest of the world really doesn't care all that much about your holidays.  So when you know that I'm Canadian, and you ask me "How's your thanksgiving going!" I'm just going to assume that you're kind of an idiot, and make fun of you on my blog.  And then I'm going to embed a video from the Addams Family.  You're welcome.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Internet Hates Ponies

So I made a bunch of gifs from the latest episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and I was going to upload them to Tumblr tonight so everybody could rejoice in pony wonder.  It was going to be magical.  Magical, I tell you.

Unfortunately, it turns out my internet hates ponies.  I can tell, because it has decided to become the slowest piece of shit that has ever been slow.  Seriously.  It's slower than the first Star Trek movie.  Yeah.  That bad.

But because I am apparently a masochist and enjoy nothing more than tearing my hair out while trying to get useless pictures onto the internet, here are a couple of pony gifs.  Fuck you, computer, I'm doing it anyway. That's right, I don't care if you are being slow and stupid.  Suck on THESE.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Goodbye, Glitch

Aww.  Glitch is shutting down.  So's TinierMe, but aww, Glitch is shutting down.  Glitch is sadder.  Also, Glitch is shutting down better -- TinierMe was all "did you just spend real money on stuff in the game right before our announcement to close the site?  Tough titties, just spend it in the game and enjoy it before we close everything next month."  Glitch is all, "Did you spend real money on our game in the past year?  We will refund you!  Actually, did you ever spend real money on our game?  We will still refund you!  We're so sorry!"  The folks at Glitch seem really, really sad that their site is closing and that they are letting down their players, and you can tell they really put their all into trying to make it work.  The folks at TinierMe....are closing the site.  Do they care?  Not that I can tell.  Are they sorry for letting down the people who spent months and years on the site?  Not that I can tell.  And they certainly don't care enough to offer any refunds, not even to people who spent real money for game stuff in the past week.

I'm gonna miss you, Glitch.  Granted, I only had an account there for two months or so, and I only played it for like the first month before completely forgetting about it.  But it was a really cool browser game, and if I was the kind of person who could ever stick with any game for more than a month, I would have stuck with Glitch.  I'm sorry I could not commit to you, Glitch.  You were rad.

I'm not gonna miss you, TinierMe.  I had an account there for about three years and visited sporadically while I was in college, and pretty much never after that.  You were kind of a shitty site, TinierMe.  I wish you could have failed twice so Glitch could stay open.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Eating A Baby Koala

My sister brought home baby koala cookies today.  She got them from that Asian store in MUN, I guess.  They are weird.

Look at that shit.  It's bland little biscuits, at first glance, and they kind of look like dog treats if it wasn't for the I guess koalas printed on them.  I'd show you them, but I took photos with my iPod so I could upload them immediately, and my iPod camera is (clearly) not that great.

Tell me the truth, does that really look like a baby koala to you?  I mean, those are some pretty deep wrinkles for a baby.  Anyway, the things are weird.  They have the weird dog-biscuit outsides, and it's got weird strawberry icing on the inside.  And unlike Caramilk bars, they don't try to hide how they get it in, either, there's a very conspicuous hole on each treat.  Come on, guys, at least put the hole in the back, the bear-monsters have enough trouble looking like koalas without the bullet wounds.


But I guess it doesn't so much matter what they look like as it does what they taste like.  And they  They are on the better side of average, but only barely.  There's a weird aftertaste to them, and the strawberry flavour is kind of chalky and starts tasting gross if  you eat more than one or two.  It's pretty similar to pocky, except pocky tastes good.

So that just happened.


and then this other thing happened:


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Con Artist Or Just A Douchebag?

So either I was conned out of a couple of dollars today, or I donated to a real charity that I shouldn't have donated to anyway.  Whichever one it was, I feel bad now.

Anyway, it was at the Avalon Mall.  I was sitting in front of the bookstore at about quarter past ten, just waiting around and playing Doodle Jump on my iPod.  Next thing I know, some pushy Asian guy is shoving a laminated pamphlet into my hand talking about how there was a disaster in the Philippines last week, and how he's from there, and he goes to MUN here, and he's raising money for the children, blah blah blah.  And he was really pushy.  He didn't really introduce himself or try to start a conversation, it was just shoving a pamphlet at me, and then shoving a little black book into my hands and waving at it with a pen -- I dunno if I was supposed to sign it or if it was a pledge sheet or what.  I should have told him to piss off right then, because he was being really pushy and rude, so even if it was a real charity it was charity-by-guilt and I should have refused to donate anything on principle alone.   I didn't, though.  I'm bad at being immediately mean.  Give me a few minutes and I can be the meanest bitch in the world, but surprise me and the combination of Girls Are Nice Niceness and Canadians Are Nice Niceness take over.  I basically went "Uhhhh have some change and go away."  I had a few dollars in my pocket, and when I pull it out the guy said "It's okay, just donate whatever you have, you can donate all of that" and that's definitely when I should have refused to donate it, because who the hell says what I can and can't donate?  Unfortunately, I still hadn't started thinking at this point -- I have the worst reflexes in the world -- and so I keep the two-fifty I needed for the bus and gave him the two or three dollars left, mostly in quarters and dimes.  He thanks me and wanders off, and it isn't until after he's gone that I realize, "Wait, that was a really sketchy thing that just happened."

So I go to Google and look up "flood in the philippines" and the only articles that pop up are from August.  I immediately start feeling like a moron, because what kind of idiot lets a stranger talk them out of three dollars?  Granted, it's only pocket change, but still.  I've been kicking myself ever since -- I should have realized that the guy was ambushing me, I should have realized it was sketchy as fuck that I didn't hear of any disaster, I should have realized he was being way too pushy, I should have I should have I should have.  Anyway, I can't change anything by thinking about what I should have done.  Worst case scenario, some asshole has a handful of small change and the confidence to try scamming someone else (hopefully someone who is quicker on the draw than I am).  Best case scenario?  While my initial Googling didn't give me anything, a friend has linked me to a news article saying that there was, in fact, a flood in the Philippines last week, so it's possible that it really is just a pushy guy with a charity.  I still shouldn't have donated, because charity by guilt is a shitty way to get money and it's really rude to ambush a person to look for handouts, no matter the cause.  But at least it could actually be a real charity.  I'd rather the change I was conned out of actually go to saving people from floods or whatever instead of paying a jerk's bus fare.

More Womanly Advice From The Mighty Penis

And welcome back to Making Fun Of Internet Misogyny (AKA "20 Tips For Girls To Get And Keep A Good Man")!  The other day we left off on tip number ten, a surprisingly good piece of advice that Dumbfuck predictably fucked up.  And yes, that one piece of halfway-decent-advice-before-Dumbfuck-ruined-it was the only polish in this pile of turds.  The next ten "tips" are solid shit all the way through.  Let's get started!

Tip number eleven:  ooh, a doozie.  "Guys get controlling because they know girls tend to run when things get hard, boring, or when they meet a more fun guy."  That's right ladies, he's not being abusive if he isolates you from your friends, demands that you keep him updated on where you are and who you are with, or tells you who you can or can't hang out with.  He's just trying to keep you faithful to him!  It's not like he can trust you or anything, you're a female.  You're not allowed to just break up with a guy if the relationship is having trouble or has gotten boring or if you meet another "jerk" who can make you laugh and lets you be yourself and doesn't lock you in the basement to keep you from whoring around.  Nope, once you start dating someone you're with him for life or until he gets bored of you, and he has to control you because as a dumb bitch girl, it's just your nature to run off with the first guy who catches your fancy as soon as you start getting bored.  And we all know that men never ever "run" the way us girls do.  Haha, women.  Amirite?

Twelve: "Good Men want Classy, not Skimpy."  Apparently by dressing in skimpy clothing you are representing Every Woman Everywhere and saying that It's All About Sex, because if you show any cleavage then you know it just means that you want to be raped or something.  And then the dumb bitches complain when men harass them!  Remember, if you dress in clothes you like that make you feel sexy and confident, you're just showing everybody how "easy" you are.  If you want a Good Man, then only dress in classy clothes!  Like a nun's habit or a hijab.*  Whatever you do, don't show skin, you skank!
Chrome thinks that hijab is spelled incorrectly, and when you right-click to see what to replace it with one of the options is hijacker. Are you racist, Chrome?

I love tip thirteen, it's so completely awful.  If your friends don't like your boyfriend, fuck them!  Friends come and go, boyfriends are forever!  This advice is so much bullshit.  If your friends don't like your boyfriend?  Find out the fuck why.  Your friends want the best for you. And most of the time, you'll have been with your friends way longer than you've been with the guy you're currently dating.  I've been friends with Ash for like eight years.  I've been friends with Wyatt for two or three now.  Compare that to, say, a guy I've been dating for six months or whatever.  If they don't like him?  Well shit, I want to know why.  Does he hit on other women behind my back?  Is he rude?  Is he just plain boring?  I want their input!  If he's being a total dickwad behind my back, that's worth breaking up over and I'd only find out if I listened to my friends when they told me why they didn't like him.  How your friends react to your boyfriend is important, but not because you're some mindless drone who only does what the Peer Group says.  It's because a lot of the time your friends will see giant red flags that you're blind to, and if somebody is telling you to ditch your friends because they think your boyfriend is bad for you, guess what?  The dude saying that is hella creepy, and you should get outta there.  When you're in a relationship with someone you're often too close to the situation to see the seriously problematic shit going on.  You can fool yourself into thinking it's totally reasonable that, for example, you need to stop hanging out with certain friends or that you need to let him know where you are and what your plans are all the time, because that's just the way he shows you that he loves you, and he can't help being insecure! Whereas your friends will see it for what it really is, abusive bullshit from an abusive guy when you deserve better.  Even Dumbfuck's reasoning for this tip is stupid and inconsistent with the rest of the list.  "You're dating him not them. Don't let others dictate your life (friends come and go)."  Haha, don't let others dictate your life unless it's Dumbfuck with his "advice"!  And I loathe loathe loathe the "friends come and go" line.  I hate it when I hear it the other way, too, "boys come and go but friends are forever."  Guess what?  People come and go.  Sometimes those people are friends, sometimes those people are boys. I'm probably going to be friends with Ash for my entire life.  I'm probably never going to see some old college friends again after we drift apart.  I'm not dating anybody any more, even though I've had boyfriends in the past.  I might find a boyfriend someday who I'll spend my entire life with.  Both of these will happen because I'll find people who I want to know for the rest of my life, and people who I don't.  Don't put your friends up above your boyfriend, and don't put your boyfriend above your friends.  Both are important and worth preserving.

I preserve everybody important to me.

Anyway, that got a little out of hand.  Let's see if I can do fourteen without going off on a rant-within-a-rant.  "First dates are supposed to be awkward, don't judge so quick!"  Well, it's sort of good advice, in a way.  Sure, don't judge people too quickly, give them a chance.  But then, you shouldn't drag on something that isn't working.  What if there's a shitty first date?  Okay, everyone has them.  But what if there's a shitty second date?  Because the rest of the advice goes on to say you should keep not-judging for the second date and onward.  Because, "Don't expect full chemistry on day one. My only relationship was 6 years; and our first 2 dates weren't that great."  Oh, I love that admission for so many reasons.  One, "Don't expect chemistry on day one!"  Because if you don't feel any attraction to a guy, just keep dating him anyway.  "My only relationship" (you've only had one relationship and you think you're qualified enough to write a list of advice based on what every woman does wrong when dating?) "was 6 years."  Was.  Was.  So the relationship didn't actually work, did it?  And why do I get the feeling from this list that it wasn't actually a very good relationship, mister men-only-talk-about-sports-video-games-and-cars-and-within-a-few-months-of-being-in-a-relationship-you-are-only-passionate-in-the-bedroom?  "Our first two dates weren't that great."  Was it because you acted like a bitter loser and spent the whole time complaining about how awful women are at dating and how they always go out with jerks because clearly if women were interested in Nice Guys you'd have a date every night of the week or something?  I bet it was.  Remember, I found this list because this asshole has it posted as his self-summary on his dating site profile.


Hahahaha, oh my goodness, that was a good one.  I love this advice.  "Too many girls are anal about height,"  because us girls aren't allowed to decide what physical attributes we want in a guy!  And of those attributes, the single most important one that matters so much that he needed to include it very specifically on his list, is height!  He goes on to say, as if it is some little-known fact that silly girls like us hadn't realized, that "You can't control height."  And then any excuse a girl might say to a short guy is stupid -- the "heels excuse" is lame, it's not about protection because "So a short guy can't take down a tall guy?" and then something about offspring.  "How would you feel if a guy rejected you because he doesn't want daughters with no ass?"  I'll tell you how that would make me feel: relieved, because what kind of creep thinks about that stuff and clearly I got out just in time.  This is another tip that isn't a tip, btw.  He never actually says, "You should be less concerned with a guy's height," he just bitches about how "Too many girls are anal about height!"  You know, I've met women who don't wear heels, not because they don't like them but because their boyfriend will get upset with them if they are taller than he is when they go out.  And for the record, in case it hasn't sunk in yet, women are allowed to be "anal" about anything they want when they're thinking about what guy to date.  It is incredibly entitled of him to think he gets to decide what women should find important when looking for a guy, even superficial stuff like height.  "You ladies should stop thinking about what you want in a guy, and start thinking about how you should want less stuff in a guy so I can date you!  It's really rude of you not to date every single guy who wants a shot at you! Stop wanting things as if you were people and start acting like the Girlfriends that you are supposed to be!"

Sixteen: "Guys have it harder than girls."  Pfffhahahahaha, yeah, okay.  I'm glad I got most of my giggles out on fifteen, because these are just getting funnier and funnier.  Either that or examining the list this closely is having a real effect on my mind.  Anyway, guys have it harder than girls!  "Guys have to be, say, do so many things to get and keep a girl, and girls judge men on every flaw and move."  Oh, you poor babies.  Because of course women never have to deal with crap like that!  That's why there are so many realistic body types on women in the media, why the cosmetics industry sells mainly to circus clowns, why there are hardly any magazines out there aimed at women trying to tell us how to snare a man, keep a man, seduce a man, etc etc etc.  Guys are the only ones who have to worry about finding somebody to be with, and getting judged on everything!  You are so right, dude who wrote a twenty-item list judging women.  The paragraph continues with a lot of stereotypically misogynistic bullshit.  It's mostly.....actually, you know what?  I'm just gonna quote it so you can see exactly how messed up this guy is when it comes to how he sees women and dating.  "Guys deal with unnecessary drama and whining, 'hard to get' and jealousy games, being blamed for everything, grudge holding, spending money on a girl they may never see again, or being good to a girl who ends up leaving him for a jerk. Guys have to be tall or fit, girls just have to be naughty."  (Girls just have to be naughty!  And it comes so easily to them, because every girls everywhere are automatically naughty and never have any hang-ups or insecurities, and a girl never thinks about whether or not she actually wants to do naughty stuff with someone or if it's just that if she isn't 'naughty' then he'll leave.  Guys have it so rough!)  I gotta ask, dude, if you think this poorly of women, why are you trying to date them?  Just be single.  Or "choose" to be gay.  Then he blames all this....stuff, on why guys are abusive jerks and/or shy.  Fucking women ruin everything!

17: Dumbfuck knows what Every Man Ever wants, thinks, needs, and does.  Men "prefer going Dutch but won't admit to it," and I can tell you for certain that this is not the Universal Truth that Dumbfuck thinks it is.  I've had guys get pissy at me if I try to pay for my own meal (or even open the door for them instead of the other way around!) and I'll give you a tip of your own, lots of women don't mind going dutch!  I tend to feel really guilty if I let the guy pay for everything.  I'll still let him pay, because a lot of the time he'll take me on dates I can't really afford, and I'd rather let him pay and do something together than insist on paying my own way and be stuck at home because I can't afford to date this week.  But if it bugs him to always pay, just suggest going dutch for fuck's sake.  And don't take the lady out to dinner to a resteraunt that's out of her price range.  Seriously, lots of girls don't mind going dutch and I personally know tons who prefer it, so if it's such a big fucking deal that you need to whine about it just freaking suggest it, douchefucker.  And that's not all.  Men "need affirmation more than you do," because apparently women get it all from their peers and men don't get it anywhere.  One, a friend telling me my hair is cute does not mean the same thing as when the guy I'm on a date with says it, so "your friends compliment you then nobody else needs to ever" is ridiculous.  Two, if your friends aren't giving you "affirmation" (which I assume just means flattery, Dumbfuck doesn't exactly explain himself) then that's a problem you have with your friends.  "Guys are masters of BS, they'll say anything to get you."  I see Dumbfuck is working under the assumption that every guy is a total asshole.  Projecting again, I see.  "Every guy likes video games."  Seriously, dude?  Just because most people you know do something, does not mean everybody everywhere does it.  I know guys who don't play video games, who haven't owned a console since they were kids (if they had one then), and I'm pretty sure that you are not actually omniscient, so you don't know what "every guy" likes.  Which leads right into "Men hate when you cut your hair short." No, fuckface, you hate when a girl cuts her hair short.  As a girl with long hair, I happen to know that lots of guys prefer short hair, judging by how many of them have told me how much better it would look if I cut it short, and how frequently old boyfriends complained that my long hair was inconvenient and bothersome.  "Many men steer away from giving compliments because girls just play "hard to get" after."  Ladies reading this, do you ever play "hard to get" after a guy starts complimenting you?  I don't.  I'm pretty sure I know why he thinks that, though.  If a dude starts coming on to me and complimenting me a lot, and I'm not into him?  I'll brush him off or leave or something.  The trouble here is that Dumbfuck (who I am fairly confident is the "many men" he is talking about) can't tell the difference between "playing hard to get" and "rejection."  He can't get it through his thick skull that women don't want to date some people.  He's one of those assholes who, if you turn him down, he decides to be "persistent" and to keep harassing you after you've rejected him because he doesn't actually know anything about women or dating.  He ends this tip with the actually really creepy-sounding "we can tell right away if you're the girl we want; girls are way too easy to read."  What the hell does that mean, you can tell if I'm the girl you want?  That is sketchy as fuck.  I have no idea what he thinks he can "read" but he's starting to sound like a bit of a rapist or a serial killer or something.  I am honestly getting creeped out by this misogynistic freak, and I hope to hell I never meet him in person.

Eighteen.  I think part of Dumbfuck's problem is, he doesn't have any real friends, and he assumes that no-one else does either.  This tip is supposedly about having "common sense" but all he's doing is telling you to say that you don't want to go downtown one weekend and then watch all your friends leave you behind.  Is that what happened to you, Dumbfuck?  That's sad.  I've said that before, and my friends didn't ditch me.  We just all did something else that we thought was fun.  Then he says that we "don't need a piece of paper that says "degree" on it to be smart and have common sense."  (Hey, remember in tip number three when he said women who get corporate jobs or go out partying are unhappy?  It sounds like he's against anything that keeps women out of the kitchen.)  And, "Speaking of bar/party scenes...notice how that's all they do with their life and how not one person in Happy Hour looks "Happy" lol."  More proof that Dumbfuck has a very sad, lonely social life.  When I go to the bar with my friends, we're generally all pretty cheerful because we're having a fun night out.  And more evidence of Dumbfuck looking around and making wild unfounded assumptions based on his own self-projection, since he's looking at a bunch of total strangers at the bar and going "Yup, that's all they are doing with their life.  I bet they come here every night and drink themselves into a stupor to forget how sad and lonely and unloved they are and how they're going to die alone eaten by fourteen cats.  Everybody here is miserable!"

Nineteen is just....weirdly pathetic.  I'm not even going to summarize it, I'll just quote it in its entirety.  "For many of you, it's your profiles that scare off good guys (you all say the same things. Be different): "I love to laugh/have fun!"...really?!?! "I just want a nice guy who will treat me right", you want a tall bad boy who will eventually break your heart. "I dont take myself too seriously" why should a guy take you seriously in a relationship? "Live everyday like its your last! Live/Love/Laugh!"...who actually does that? "I have the best friends ever"...till you argue over who's hotter or go for the same guy. "I love my job!"...that's why you run to the bar, parties or gym once you get off to unwind and let loose. We all love our jobs when it's payday, 5pm or the weekend. "I dont like drama and games!", girls live for it. "Id die without my friends"...makes you sound insecure and dependent. "Life's too short!" why do many of you spend most of it working and studying?"  What is your problem, Dumbfuck?  You hate people who say happy, cheerful things, and you refuse to take them at their word.  You assume everybody hates their jobs, that their friends will all turn on them without a moment's notice, that anyone who is even remotely cheerful is bullshitting because "....really?!?!?!" and "...who actually does that?"  I can't even mock this tip, dude, it's just that pathetic.  I really feel sorry for this guy, he has serious problems.  Jesus fucking Christ.

And now for the final tip, number twenty.  Again, not really a tip.  It's listed as one, but all he's saying is that "This all sounds easy, but there's a reason many of you are still here and still meeting jerks."  Apparently we can still meet guys, we just won't meet "the good ones who will be faithful."  Gosh, I sure am glad that Dumbfuck is psychic and knows who I'm meeting and whether or not they are Jerks.  Oh wait, he doesn't need to, because in his mind, any girl who is not interested in dating him is dating a Jerk.  That's because he's a Nice Guy.  Does anyone know the difference between a nice guy and a Nice Guy?  I might have to do a blog post on it.  I was going to go off on a long Nice Guy tangent, but I'll save it for later and just wrap this up because reading all this bullshit has worn me down: Dumbfuck has problems.  He's sexist towards both women and men, he has no friends, and the only relationship he's ever had was presumably pretty crappy, since he doesn't think women should talk to men about anything that is not Sport, Car, or Video Game related.  And you know the scary thing?  When this douche's profile came up in flagmod, another mod said that he was right.  How many idiots out there read crap like this and fucking agree with it?  The world is a scary, scary place, my friends.

Also, this guy has his body type listed as "athletic" and yet he says that he's working to "drop those last 30 stubborn pounds."  I don't want to be fat-shaming anybody or anything, there's nothing wrong with being overweight and it's downright admirable to lose as much weight as this guy says he has (he's lost a hundred pounds already, apparently).  But it's a little dishonest to say that your body type is athletic when you're overweight, even if you are working out to try and change that, and the last part of the list kind of showcases his bitterness about women not finding him attractive.  "There are tons of great men, most just don't look like GQ models."  He never outright says it, but I really get the feeling that he considers thin, conventionally handsome guys to all be "Jerks" women are stupid enough to date instead of going out with him, and they are all fundamentally terrible people who cheat and lie and do stuff that He Would Never Ever Do Because He Is A "Good Guy."  Dude, you need to stop with the hate-on already.  So lots of women don't want to date you.  That's okay.  I'm sure that there are lots of women you don't want to date either, right?  I hope so, anyway.  I wouldn't put it past him to be one of those guys who does not give a fuck who goes out with him, so long as he gets a Girlfriend.  But hopefully there are lots of women who he does not want to date for whatever reason, and that's okay.  He seems to be really entitled, acting like women should be falling all over themselves to date him instead of the "Jerks" they date out of stupidity.  He's just....augh, I can't even continue this.  If I get going on how pathetic this dude is I'll never finish this blog post, and it's long enough as it is.  Fuck it.  I'm sure everybody reading gets the picture, I'm done here.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Live Albums Are The Worst Albums

I like listening to music, and I like going to live shows.  But I haaaate live albums.  It's the worst of both worlds.  The whole point of going to shows is so you can listen to the band in person and have a real experience.  It's fun even if you can't make out any lyrics.  And the whole point of listening to the album is to listen to the music clearly so you can really hear it and enjoy the whole thing.  But with live albums it's like, what's even the point?  You don't get the "live show" experience, and all the songs are filled with the sound of the crowd, and frequently in the popular songs the artist will stop singing and let the crowd sing.  This is awesome....when you're at the show singing along.  When you're at home and you just want to listen to the song, it's just really annoying.  Plus, it ruins softer, sad-ish songs that are supposed to be quiet.  The whole song will be undercut with people in the crowd cheering and shouting, and at the end of the quiet song they applaud and cheer and you GO DEAF FROM A CROWD OF PEOPLE SCREAMING THROUGH YOUR EARBUDS.  WHAT WAS THAT?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I AM DEAF NOW.  SORRY.  I THINK MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.  I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Thank You, Mighty Penis

Moderating a dating site is fun.  You get to see all the crazies.

Today a profile was flagged that was hilarious.  It was some older dude with a billion "tips" for "girls" on how to "get" a "man."  Gee, dude, do you think the reason you need to use a dating site is because you feel the need to instruct women on how they're Doing Everything Wrong before they even get a chance to talk to you?

The first "tip" is to look for commitment qualities instead of sparks, because "Notice how most couples, after the first few months, barely converse and have no passion outside the bedroom."  First, why is it more important that a girl look for a guy who will Stick Around than it is to find a dude she has Sparks with?  What's the point in dating a guy for his commitment potential if you have no chemistry?  And maybe she doesn't want a dude who will Commit To Love Her Forever And A Day.  Maybe she just wants a short-term guy to have fun with.  You don't get to decide how women pick who they want to date, and how they want to date them.  Second, that doesn't sound like most couples to me.  That sounds like a dude who has had a lot of shitty relationships and is projecting like a motherfucker.  Especially since how do you know how other couples act in the bedroom.  Busted.  Just because you're shit at relationships doesn't mean everybody else is.

The next tip is....not actually a tip.  There are a few like this.  He's just all, "Dating is a game!  Guys do stuff to get girls.  Maybe they'll be jerks! Irresponsible people are irresponsible!"  Oooh, helpful.

Tip number three is insulting to women and men.  It's a recurring theme in this list.  Apparently, men are simple and want a simple woman -- sorry, simple girl.  Not once does the list ever refer to a woman as a woman, it's always girl.  Anyway, Simple Guys want a Simple Girl and "notice how most girls with dating problems and most on dating sites are the adventure, party, corporate job, and extroverted ones."  That's right, ladies, if you ever want to have fun or talk to people or, like, have a job or something, that means that you can never ever get a Good Man.  Sorry!  That's just what the list says, and I'm sure you can tell that this advice is all pure gold.  Gold, I tell you!  Also I swear to god this paragraph ends with "How do you please a man? Sports, food and sex. If you want a long conversation that's not about sports, cars or video games, talk to your friends."  Yup, every single guy who ever existed liked all those things and only those things, and they've never ever been able to have any kind of conversation that did not include them.  I've never in my entire life met a single dude who did not play video games, follow sports, or care about cars.  Just like how I've never met a woman girl who liked those things!  Pfft, you want to talk?  That's what women girls are for.  (Hey remember the first tip when he complained that after a few months in all his relationships in everybody's relationships, the couple never converse any more and are only passionate in the bedroom? I think I just figured it out!)

Tip number four!  "Girls want a Man? It goes both ways, Men want a Lady."  Those uppity bitches only want equality "until the bill comes," and if a dude says he likes girly things or is not a manly man then girls will run in the opposite direction! So why shouldn't guys only want girlie-girls who cook and clean and stay in the kitchen!  Now, to be fair to the list-writer, he does say that women girls are allowed to be tomboyish and swear and like fights and sports and drink alcohol and work out.  Of course we're allowed to do that!  But if you do, "don't expect to get a good guy.  If you want to be treated like a Lady, act like one."  He also blames the skyrocketing divorce rate on how girls aren't acting like Ladies any more.  It's all our fault, girls.  Sorry.  Every relationship that ever failed is because you were just too dudely.  

Tip five, "Too many girls think it's all about them. This isn't a Womans World, there are 2 genders, 2 way street. If you want us to respect your body, then respect our wallets."

I actually can't really figure out what he's trying to say here.  I mean, I get what he thinks he's trying to say, that women are all gold-digging whores who take offense to being called whores and that is somehow a bad thing, but....what?  We know it isn't a Woman's World (by the way, this is the only time the word woman shows up in the entire list, I did a ctrl-f search), that's why women make seventy cents to the dollar, rape is ridiculously under-reported, women are under-represented everywhere from the media to the government...and somehow, not being raped or sexually assaulted or harassed is equal to going dutch on dates.  According to this list.  How is this dude single?  I just can't figure it out.

Tip six.  Real Men don't cheat, lie, tell you what you want to hear, or act all "bad ass" because only insecure dudes do that!  (Well, that's not true.  I know lots of really confident, narcissistic dudes who cheated and lied and flirted all over the place.  Just because you don't like the way they act, doesn't mean that they hate themselves.)  Real Men are [insert every single positive attribute you can think of here].  I don't see the point of this tip.  "Jerks are assholes!  Good men are awesome!"  Woah, thanks!  And then the tip continues by saying most girls can't handle Real Men so they go for Boys who cheat and lie.  Yeah, that's it, us women are just so flustered and intimidated by really cool guys that we just throw our hands in the air and date assholes. It has nothing to do with the fact that the world is not actually separated into Real Men and Boys Who Suck, but rather into People Who Have Both Positive And Negative Qualities.  That can't be it at all.

Seven.  "Girls dislike whiny, serious, judgemental, bitter, negative, impatient guys (yet girls do those more than anyone) yet girls like guys who are drunks, chaotic and play games."  One, you are a dude.  You do not get to say "Girls like _____" with any credibility if you are not, in fact, a girl.  Two, even if you were a girl, you could still not say that with any credibility because not all women are the same.  I've said it before, women are not a monolith.  Yes, some women like men who drink, are "chaotic" (whatever that means -- maybe he's thinking of Harley Quinn and the Joker), and play games.  Plenty don't.  Some women also like whiny serious judgemental bitter negative impatient guys when plenty don't.  Also, nice potshot at women there, "girls do those more than anyone," yeah right.  You can really feel the hate-on he has for ladies, can't you?  He's being pretty whiny and bitter and negative and judgmental   Then he says, "If you can't tolerate impatient, tempers or seriousness you'll never handle a marriage; men are naturally temperamental and impatient (and smelly lol)...just give them time."  Hear that ladies?  If your man never makes you laugh, and throws a tantrum if dinner is late, he's a keeper!  Dodge that casserole plate he's throwing at your head and thank your lucky stars you had the Internet Nobody here to tell you how to find a Good Man!  And if his impatience and temper are too much for you, don't break it off and file a restraining order after he gives you a black eye.  Just give him time!  Thanks, Single Bitter Dude On A Dating Site!  And remember, dudes, all men are naturally tempermental and impatient.  You were just born that way.  It's not character flaws that some of you have and some of you don't.  It's an inherent part of Being A Guy.

Number Eight: It's All About Sex.  Apparently we're not fooling guys when we "hide it and play innocent."  Every woman girl ever wants sex, there isn't a single woman girl who wants to wait for marriage or is asexual or something.  And if the dudes aren't any good at sex, why us heartless ladies just toss them and look for the next guy instead of teaching them how to be good at sex like we're supposed to!  (It's all part of the Feminine Rulebook, your job is to teach men how to please women, not to look for your own pleasure.)  And if you're good at sex you can treat a lady like dirt and she'll keep coming back!  Also, uh... also, "std risk is a media scare."

Dang, this guy is a piece of work.  I'm not even going to talk about how fucking stupid that is.  I'm just gonna go on to number nine, "Why are many guys jerks?"  According to Dumbfuck, as he shall henceforth be known, it's because "being nice/honest gets them rejected."  Yeah, that's for sure.  I hate nice, honest guys.  In fact, the second I find out a guy is nice or honest, I reject him on the spot.  Oh wait, no I don't because that's really fucking stupid.  If a guy is actually nice, he would not turn into a jerk because a girl rejected him.  He would be a jerk in the first place who was pretending to be nice in order to get a girl, and who showed his true colours after she rejected him and he didn't need to pretend any more.  Actually nice/honest guys, when they are rejected, are not rejected for being nice or honest.  They are rejected because they don't have much in common with the girl, or because she likes someone else, or they smell funny, or she just plain isn't attracted to them, for any of the billion possible reasons a person can use to decide not to date someone.  And guess what?  It's not a crime to reject people you are not attracted to.  I am not contractually obliged to date Nice Guys because They Deserve A Girlfriend.  Then Dumbfuck says that girls go with bad boys and it's their own fault if they get hurt, because they can't change a jerk.  Unless she is giving him time to change like you recommended in Tip Number Seven, Mister Can't Keep His Bullshit Straight.  And apparently, guys have emotions too!  They just hide them because they know us bitchy women will judge them if we find out!  Lol.  Actually, we probably won't.  Us girls tend to like our guys having a sensitive side, or many of us do at any rate.  A lot of guys only show their emotional side to their girlfriends, which really fucks them over if they break up.  And not because that fucking bitch went and made fun of him for crying or told all his secrets to the entire world or anything, but because he can't show his emotions to anyone else.  Do you know who's policing the whole expressing-emotion thing with guys?  It is the guys.  Men hide their emotions from each other, because they judge each other.  Don't blame this on the girls, Dumbfuck, this is a patriarchy thing.

Anyway, this is a pretty long list, so I'm gonna show you tip number ten and then post the rest of them later.  Tip number ten is surprisingly not-awful.  I mean, it's not some insightful piece of wisdom or anything, but it's somewhat less completely outrageous than every other tip so far.  "Physical attraction is important but the more you get to know someone the more attractive they become."  That's actually pretty sweet!  And true, too.  Lots of people are kinda average in the face-pretties, but when you meet them they're completely gorgeous because their personality is just that awesome.  Of course, Dumbfuck being Dumbfuck, he had to put his text-foot into his keyboard-mouth with the end of his advice.  "If men are all about looks, why are many of you still single and why do you see so many slim guys dating big women?"  That cuts both ways, asshole.  Why do you see so many hot chicks with average-to-ugly guys?  Or with poor guys, or guys with small dicks?  How come every sitcom couple on TV is the ugly guy/hot wife combo?  Dumbfuck has taken this one piece of perfectly good advice that applies to everyone, and shown off his true colours by slanting it so that it only applies to women.  Because girls are trashy hoes who only like hot guys, and need to be taught how to find and keep the elusive Good Man.  Don't worry, the rest of his advice is just as hilariously bad.  I'll show you exactly how bad it is tomorrow or this evening or something.  Later, peeps!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Season Three!

OMG.  Omg omg omg omg.  The new season of My Little Pony started!  What took them so long!?  The third season premier was pretty good.  Rarity is the sparkliest crystal pony!  Pinkie has a Fluttersuit!  Twilight is excited about libraries!  Pinkie has a Fluttersuit!

Overall, the first two episodes were pretty fun.  I mean, the evil unicorn king dude wasn't as cool a villain as Queen Chrysalis of the second season finale, but he was okay for a dude with pretty much no speaking role (or characterization in general).  And Twi can be bizarrely dumb when it comes to tests.  Like, I knew that to begin with?  But this episode sorta took the cake on that.  Your mission was to save an empire from a giant hatemonster, your train of thought should probably be more "Damn what can I do to help, the fate of the ponies depending on me rests on my shoulders!  I should put all my effort into saving them no matter what!" and less "Damn I'm doing a test, I'm gonna ace this test, I'm failing this test, also ponies.  Last minute revelation, save the ponies!"  But her unreasonable priorities when it comes to tests are part of Twilight's character, so it would probably be more weird if she didn't obsess over the test.  And besides, it's not like the plot to this was even important in the first place.  I think we all know what the most important thing in this episode was.

Aw, shit!  I just looked up the episodes, and the next two (in order) are going to be Pinkie-focused and Crusaders-focused.  I am not generally an immediate fan of Pinkie episodes, she works best in small, insane doses in episodes focused on other characters rather than the main star of an episode.  Don't get me wrong, some of her episodes rock -- Party of One, anypony?  But some of them (I'm looking at you, MMMystery on the Friendship Express/Baby Cakes/A Friend In Deed) (Well okay maybe not Baby Cakes, it's kind of on the cusp for me)  Let's just say I don't bother to re-watch them when I need my pony fix.

But the Crusaders!  Noooooo!   I have yet to really like a single episode about the friggin' Crusaders.  I wish they'd been a spinoff series instead of getting episodes in the main series.  I know, I know, the show's for a younger audience and I shouldn't complain when it isn't tailored to my demographic.  But they're just so irritating, holy fuck.  I want to punch Apple Bloom right in the accent.  

Monday, November 5, 2012

New hats!

I dunno if you realize, but I love hats.  I collect them.  I have a box full of dorky hats, and I need more.  More!  I've got a cow hat, a sheep hat, a raccoon hat, a cat hat, a frog hat, two fedoras, a sparkly top hat, a Cookie Monster hat, a Luigi cap, a one-up beanie, and now two more!  Plus, all those other hats in my box that aren't springing to mind immediately. Hey, it's like all the way in the other room, I'm not getting up and looking through it for a dumb blog post.  Just trust me when I say I've got a ton of hats.  Where did you think the name came from?

So I bought two hats this weekend!  Now that winter is slowly, slowly approaching, then backing off, then coming up again for a day, then going back to summer, then threatening to eventually come back, I figured I need a new hat to keep my ears warm when my other hats won't do because I need more hats all the time because you never have enough hats ever no matter how many are in the box.  And because the store was having a two for one sale, I bought two!  I bought a panda hat, and a superbright hat!  I wore the panda hat downtown this weekend and two different people stopped me on the street within like half an hour of wearing it, so they could compliment it.  And one woman was like, "Oh wow, I want that hat -- wait, I have that hat!  It's got a panda on the front!" when she saw it from behind.  The superbright hat is also rad.  It is like the traffic cone of headgear.  It is retina-meltingly-bright!

I wish my camera could show you exactly how bright this hat is.  It practically glows.

I gotta limit my hat-buyery though.  Lets face it, I can only wear one or two hats at a time.  If I bought a hat every time I wanted a hat I'd be broke and crazy warm.  So I only buy a couple of hats a year, or whenever I see one that I really can't resist.  Hey, I don't have unlimited willpower.  How do you expect me to resist a puppy hat or a Canada Day visor if I see one?  That's just ridiculous.  You are ridiculous.  I'm going hat-shopping.

Shockwave Crash

Thank you, Shockwave Flash.  Yes, I know you've crashed.  You crash every fifteen minutes.  I'm starting to forget what my browser looks like without that fucking yellow alert under the bookmarks bar, SHOCKWAVE FLASH HAS CRASHED OH NOOOOO.  Did you ever work right for longer than fifteen minutes, or is everybody just so used to you crashing constantly that nobody even questions it any more?  Go drink a litre of piss, Shockwave.  I hate your fucking guts.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


So I've spent the last week or so hanging out downtown while I buy shit, eat shit, and admire Halloween decorations that still haven't been taken down.  Wait, hang on, I don't eat literal shit, I just mean like the general food downtown, like greasy chips and the sketchy hot dogs from the vendors on George Street.  Unhealthy foods.  Though the flambe at Magic Wok was pretty delish.  Noodles were ok.  They had a weird texture, so every bite had me going, "Oh, ew, I don't like -- oh, wait, now that I taste it it's pretty good.  I'll have another bite!  Oh, ew, I don't like -- wait, now that I taste it..."  It was kind of awkward.  Deliciously awkward.

Anyway, Halloween decorations.  Is it just me, or is everybody doing the sick pumpkin face these days?  I swear, every third house had a jack-o-lantern vomiting pumpkin guts.  I guess everybody in Newfoundland has finally seen that photo that's been floating around for like a billion years now.  I gotta say, the vomiting pumpkin thing isn't nearly as funny when it isn't surrounded by beer bottles.