Stop Creeping Me Out

Denim tits and baby corpse.  I don't know what denim tits would look like, but whoever used that search keyword has at least one odd fetish and I hope that they are not the same person who found my blog through baby corpse because that would be some seriously creepy porn.  Is the baby corpse also made of denim in your weird porn things, person?  Actually whoever found my blog through baby corpse must be one hell of a downer.  Not only are they looking for dead babies, they didn't even find any.  To the best of my knowledge.  I don't have baby corpses on my blog, do I?

My Favourite Search Keywords

One of the neatest things about having a blog is being able to see the audience stats.  Not so much where the audience is located, more how they got here (though I am surprised so many Russians visit my blog -- I got more pageviews from Russia this week than from here in Canada.  How do you guys find my blog?  I can't even get people I know to find it!).  As in, what words they typed into Google to find my blog.  These are some of my favourites so far:

"And when you leave thine dorky realm"
I don't even know what the hell this is, but it sounds rad.  Welcome to my blog, awesome person!

"Jesus eating a penis"
How I wish I could deliver what you seek, my friend.

"Silly bitch i dont want your boyfriend"
I'm...glad?  I wish you wanted apostrophes.

"I can't ever be a nail"
Maybe it's just me, but this one sounds so sad.  Poor nail want-to-be.

"Memes about your mom calling y..."
I wonder how the rest of that sentence is supposed to go?  The stats page cuts off the sentence if it's too long.

"Why cant i slut shame"
Why indeed, anonymous wanna-be slut shamer.  Why indeed.  I hope you found your answer and stopped slut-shaming after all.

"3 ahahahahahahahahahahaha 2"
Numerically jovial!

"Women fuck and stuck with dog"
Um....all right then.  I....I hope you liked my blog?  I don't think I have much here that would hold your attention, though.

"Was watching it and had"
The weirdest thing about this one isn't just the complete lack of substance, but rather the fact that I've gotten eleven hits from this phrase.  All the others are just one or maybe two.  What is it with this sentence fragment that draws people here?  If anybody came here by searching this phrase, I'd really appreciate it if you'd drop me a line and let me know what you were searching for.  Half of these phrases just make me laugh, but the rest make me really really curious.

How To Make A Dorky Hat

The other day, somebody found my blog using the search keywords "how to make a dorky hat" and I am sorry, random person, that I could not give you the tutorial you seek.  But!  Now that I know there are those out there, alone, lonely, wandering the barren netscape in search of dorky hat instruction manuals, I will do what I can to help.

Step one!  Find things.  What things?  Who knows!  A pancake, a pair of underwear, a salad bowl, one of those plastic VHS cases, a brown paper bag.  Anything!

Step two!  Put things on your head.  

Step three!  Assess dorkiness of new hat.  Is the Christmas stocking adorning your scalp not dorky enough? Repeat steps one through three.  Are you satisfied with your dorky banana peel?  Congratulations!  You now have a dorky hat.  Many celebrities model the art of Dorky Hats!  For example, Annie Edison from Community shows the rare sexy Dorky Hat, complete with Seduction Face!

What's a diminumunuh?

The late Oolong is patron saint of Dorky Hats, with the classic Pancake On Head look:

But don't be intimidated!  Dorky Hats aren't just for the famous and fashionable.  You'll see this look on the street by the average fashion-conscious hat wearer everywhere!

This sports enthusiast shows of his love of socball:

This advanced hat enthusiast is a perfect example of how you can combine Dorky Hats with other forms of headgear by wearing a cat on a baseball cap!  Well done, sir!

But don't take it too far!  While the use of dorky hats is perfectly safe when proper precautions are taken, there are those who take it too far.  There are some basic safety rules to follow!  Or, well, pretty much just one basic safety rule, don't make your dorky hat dangerous.  But there are so many ways to make a dangerous dorky hat!  I can't possibly list them all.  I guess I'll just have to go for the most common rookie mistakes.

For example, do not make your hat too heavy to wear!  This is a very basic mistake.  A good rule of thumb is, if it is too heavy do not wear it.  Always remember this rule!  A too-heavy hat could lead to anything from neck pain to death.

It is not advised to make a hat out of an object with sharp edges or points; if you choose to do so anyway, please take care not to apply your hat too firmly to your head or to the head of others!  In extreme cases this could lead to death or murder charges.

Do not make your hat out of flame or highly flammable materials such as gasoline or explosives!  I cannot stress this enough.  While it looks totally awesome and anybody who can pull it off automatically becomes totes amazeballs, the sheer radness of fire-hats are not worth the chance of head burns, because any awesomeness you earn from wearing a hat made of fire omfg is immediately lost upon recieving gross-looking burns all over your head and/or dying because you set your head on fire you idiot.

If you really want, you can always photoshop the flames in.  But it looks really dumb.  Just check out this guy.  You suck, hat dude.

So that's how you make a dorky hat!  You are welcome for the belated tutorial, random google searcher.  I am sorry that I did not have it up when you needed it, but thanks to you it exists in the first place!  Congratulations!