Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How To Make A Dorky Hat

The other day, somebody found my blog using the search keywords "how to make a dorky hat" and I am sorry, random person, that I could not give you the tutorial you seek.  But!  Now that I know there are those out there, alone, lonely, wandering the barren netscape in search of dorky hat instruction manuals, I will do what I can to help.

Step one!  Find things.  What things?  Who knows!  A pancake, a pair of underwear, a salad bowl, one of those plastic VHS cases, a brown paper bag.  Anything!

Step two!  Put things on your head.  

Step three!  Assess dorkiness of new hat.  Is the Christmas stocking adorning your scalp not dorky enough? Repeat steps one through three.  Are you satisfied with your dorky banana peel?  Congratulations!  You now have a dorky hat.  Many celebrities model the art of Dorky Hats!  For example, Annie Edison from Community shows the rare sexy Dorky Hat, complete with Seduction Face!

What's a diminumunuh?

The late Oolong is patron saint of Dorky Hats, with the classic Pancake On Head look:

But don't be intimidated!  Dorky Hats aren't just for the famous and fashionable.  You'll see this look on the street by the average fashion-conscious hat wearer everywhere!

This sports enthusiast shows of his love of socball:

This advanced hat enthusiast is a perfect example of how you can combine Dorky Hats with other forms of headgear by wearing a cat on a baseball cap!  Well done, sir!

But don't take it too far!  While the use of dorky hats is perfectly safe when proper precautions are taken, there are those who take it too far.  There are some basic safety rules to follow!  Or, well, pretty much just one basic safety rule, don't make your dorky hat dangerous.  But there are so many ways to make a dangerous dorky hat!  I can't possibly list them all.  I guess I'll just have to go for the most common rookie mistakes.

For example, do not make your hat too heavy to wear!  This is a very basic mistake.  A good rule of thumb is, if it is too heavy do not wear it.  Always remember this rule!  A too-heavy hat could lead to anything from neck pain to death.

It is not advised to make a hat out of an object with sharp edges or points; if you choose to do so anyway, please take care not to apply your hat too firmly to your head or to the head of others!  In extreme cases this could lead to death or murder charges.

Do not make your hat out of flame or highly flammable materials such as gasoline or explosives!  I cannot stress this enough.  While it looks totally awesome and anybody who can pull it off automatically becomes totes amazeballs, the sheer radness of fire-hats are not worth the chance of head burns, because any awesomeness you earn from wearing a hat made of fire omfg is immediately lost upon recieving gross-looking burns all over your head and/or dying because you set your head on fire you idiot.

If you really want, you can always photoshop the flames in.  But it looks really dumb.  Just check out this guy.  You suck, hat dude.

So that's how you make a dorky hat!  You are welcome for the belated tutorial, random google searcher.  I am sorry that I did not have it up when you needed it, but thanks to you it exists in the first place!  Congratulations!

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