Thursday, November 15, 2012

More Womanly Advice From The Mighty Penis

And welcome back to Making Fun Of Internet Misogyny (AKA "20 Tips For Girls To Get And Keep A Good Man")!  The other day we left off on tip number ten, a surprisingly good piece of advice that Dumbfuck predictably fucked up.  And yes, that one piece of halfway-decent-advice-before-Dumbfuck-ruined-it was the only polish in this pile of turds.  The next ten "tips" are solid shit all the way through.  Let's get started!

Tip number eleven:  ooh, a doozie.  "Guys get controlling because they know girls tend to run when things get hard, boring, or when they meet a more fun guy."  That's right ladies, he's not being abusive if he isolates you from your friends, demands that you keep him updated on where you are and who you are with, or tells you who you can or can't hang out with.  He's just trying to keep you faithful to him!  It's not like he can trust you or anything, you're a female.  You're not allowed to just break up with a guy if the relationship is having trouble or has gotten boring or if you meet another "jerk" who can make you laugh and lets you be yourself and doesn't lock you in the basement to keep you from whoring around.  Nope, once you start dating someone you're with him for life or until he gets bored of you, and he has to control you because as a dumb bitch girl, it's just your nature to run off with the first guy who catches your fancy as soon as you start getting bored.  And we all know that men never ever "run" the way us girls do.  Haha, women.  Amirite?

Twelve: "Good Men want Classy, not Skimpy."  Apparently by dressing in skimpy clothing you are representing Every Woman Everywhere and saying that It's All About Sex, because if you show any cleavage then you know it just means that you want to be raped or something.  And then the dumb bitches complain when men harass them!  Remember, if you dress in clothes you like that make you feel sexy and confident, you're just showing everybody how "easy" you are.  If you want a Good Man, then only dress in classy clothes!  Like a nun's habit or a hijab.*  Whatever you do, don't show skin, you skank!
Chrome thinks that hijab is spelled incorrectly, and when you right-click to see what to replace it with one of the options is hijacker. Are you racist, Chrome?

I love tip thirteen, it's so completely awful.  If your friends don't like your boyfriend, fuck them!  Friends come and go, boyfriends are forever!  This advice is so much bullshit.  If your friends don't like your boyfriend?  Find out the fuck why.  Your friends want the best for you. And most of the time, you'll have been with your friends way longer than you've been with the guy you're currently dating.  I've been friends with Ash for like eight years.  I've been friends with Wyatt for two or three now.  Compare that to, say, a guy I've been dating for six months or whatever.  If they don't like him?  Well shit, I want to know why.  Does he hit on other women behind my back?  Is he rude?  Is he just plain boring?  I want their input!  If he's being a total dickwad behind my back, that's worth breaking up over and I'd only find out if I listened to my friends when they told me why they didn't like him.  How your friends react to your boyfriend is important, but not because you're some mindless drone who only does what the Peer Group says.  It's because a lot of the time your friends will see giant red flags that you're blind to, and if somebody is telling you to ditch your friends because they think your boyfriend is bad for you, guess what?  The dude saying that is hella creepy, and you should get outta there.  When you're in a relationship with someone you're often too close to the situation to see the seriously problematic shit going on.  You can fool yourself into thinking it's totally reasonable that, for example, you need to stop hanging out with certain friends or that you need to let him know where you are and what your plans are all the time, because that's just the way he shows you that he loves you, and he can't help being insecure! Whereas your friends will see it for what it really is, abusive bullshit from an abusive guy when you deserve better.  Even Dumbfuck's reasoning for this tip is stupid and inconsistent with the rest of the list.  "You're dating him not them. Don't let others dictate your life (friends come and go)."  Haha, don't let others dictate your life unless it's Dumbfuck with his "advice"!  And I loathe loathe loathe the "friends come and go" line.  I hate it when I hear it the other way, too, "boys come and go but friends are forever."  Guess what?  People come and go.  Sometimes those people are friends, sometimes those people are boys. I'm probably going to be friends with Ash for my entire life.  I'm probably never going to see some old college friends again after we drift apart.  I'm not dating anybody any more, even though I've had boyfriends in the past.  I might find a boyfriend someday who I'll spend my entire life with.  Both of these will happen because I'll find people who I want to know for the rest of my life, and people who I don't.  Don't put your friends up above your boyfriend, and don't put your boyfriend above your friends.  Both are important and worth preserving.

I preserve everybody important to me.

Anyway, that got a little out of hand.  Let's see if I can do fourteen without going off on a rant-within-a-rant.  "First dates are supposed to be awkward, don't judge so quick!"  Well, it's sort of good advice, in a way.  Sure, don't judge people too quickly, give them a chance.  But then, you shouldn't drag on something that isn't working.  What if there's a shitty first date?  Okay, everyone has them.  But what if there's a shitty second date?  Because the rest of the advice goes on to say you should keep not-judging for the second date and onward.  Because, "Don't expect full chemistry on day one. My only relationship was 6 years; and our first 2 dates weren't that great."  Oh, I love that admission for so many reasons.  One, "Don't expect chemistry on day one!"  Because if you don't feel any attraction to a guy, just keep dating him anyway.  "My only relationship" (you've only had one relationship and you think you're qualified enough to write a list of advice based on what every woman does wrong when dating?) "was 6 years."  Was.  Was.  So the relationship didn't actually work, did it?  And why do I get the feeling from this list that it wasn't actually a very good relationship, mister men-only-talk-about-sports-video-games-and-cars-and-within-a-few-months-of-being-in-a-relationship-you-are-only-passionate-in-the-bedroom?  "Our first two dates weren't that great."  Was it because you acted like a bitter loser and spent the whole time complaining about how awful women are at dating and how they always go out with jerks because clearly if women were interested in Nice Guys you'd have a date every night of the week or something?  I bet it was.  Remember, I found this list because this asshole has it posted as his self-summary on his dating site profile.


Hahahaha, oh my goodness, that was a good one.  I love this advice.  "Too many girls are anal about height,"  because us girls aren't allowed to decide what physical attributes we want in a guy!  And of those attributes, the single most important one that matters so much that he needed to include it very specifically on his list, is height!  He goes on to say, as if it is some little-known fact that silly girls like us hadn't realized, that "You can't control height."  And then any excuse a girl might say to a short guy is stupid -- the "heels excuse" is lame, it's not about protection because "So a short guy can't take down a tall guy?" and then something about offspring.  "How would you feel if a guy rejected you because he doesn't want daughters with no ass?"  I'll tell you how that would make me feel: relieved, because what kind of creep thinks about that stuff and clearly I got out just in time.  This is another tip that isn't a tip, btw.  He never actually says, "You should be less concerned with a guy's height," he just bitches about how "Too many girls are anal about height!"  You know, I've met women who don't wear heels, not because they don't like them but because their boyfriend will get upset with them if they are taller than he is when they go out.  And for the record, in case it hasn't sunk in yet, women are allowed to be "anal" about anything they want when they're thinking about what guy to date.  It is incredibly entitled of him to think he gets to decide what women should find important when looking for a guy, even superficial stuff like height.  "You ladies should stop thinking about what you want in a guy, and start thinking about how you should want less stuff in a guy so I can date you!  It's really rude of you not to date every single guy who wants a shot at you! Stop wanting things as if you were people and start acting like the Girlfriends that you are supposed to be!"

Sixteen: "Guys have it harder than girls."  Pfffhahahahaha, yeah, okay.  I'm glad I got most of my giggles out on fifteen, because these are just getting funnier and funnier.  Either that or examining the list this closely is having a real effect on my mind.  Anyway, guys have it harder than girls!  "Guys have to be, say, do so many things to get and keep a girl, and girls judge men on every flaw and move."  Oh, you poor babies.  Because of course women never have to deal with crap like that!  That's why there are so many realistic body types on women in the media, why the cosmetics industry sells mainly to circus clowns, why there are hardly any magazines out there aimed at women trying to tell us how to snare a man, keep a man, seduce a man, etc etc etc.  Guys are the only ones who have to worry about finding somebody to be with, and getting judged on everything!  You are so right, dude who wrote a twenty-item list judging women.  The paragraph continues with a lot of stereotypically misogynistic bullshit.  It's mostly.....actually, you know what?  I'm just gonna quote it so you can see exactly how messed up this guy is when it comes to how he sees women and dating.  "Guys deal with unnecessary drama and whining, 'hard to get' and jealousy games, being blamed for everything, grudge holding, spending money on a girl they may never see again, or being good to a girl who ends up leaving him for a jerk. Guys have to be tall or fit, girls just have to be naughty."  (Girls just have to be naughty!  And it comes so easily to them, because every girls everywhere are automatically naughty and never have any hang-ups or insecurities, and a girl never thinks about whether or not she actually wants to do naughty stuff with someone or if it's just that if she isn't 'naughty' then he'll leave.  Guys have it so rough!)  I gotta ask, dude, if you think this poorly of women, why are you trying to date them?  Just be single.  Or "choose" to be gay.  Then he blames all this....stuff, on why guys are abusive jerks and/or shy.  Fucking women ruin everything!

17: Dumbfuck knows what Every Man Ever wants, thinks, needs, and does.  Men "prefer going Dutch but won't admit to it," and I can tell you for certain that this is not the Universal Truth that Dumbfuck thinks it is.  I've had guys get pissy at me if I try to pay for my own meal (or even open the door for them instead of the other way around!) and I'll give you a tip of your own, lots of women don't mind going dutch!  I tend to feel really guilty if I let the guy pay for everything.  I'll still let him pay, because a lot of the time he'll take me on dates I can't really afford, and I'd rather let him pay and do something together than insist on paying my own way and be stuck at home because I can't afford to date this week.  But if it bugs him to always pay, just suggest going dutch for fuck's sake.  And don't take the lady out to dinner to a resteraunt that's out of her price range.  Seriously, lots of girls don't mind going dutch and I personally know tons who prefer it, so if it's such a big fucking deal that you need to whine about it just freaking suggest it, douchefucker.  And that's not all.  Men "need affirmation more than you do," because apparently women get it all from their peers and men don't get it anywhere.  One, a friend telling me my hair is cute does not mean the same thing as when the guy I'm on a date with says it, so "your friends compliment you then nobody else needs to ever" is ridiculous.  Two, if your friends aren't giving you "affirmation" (which I assume just means flattery, Dumbfuck doesn't exactly explain himself) then that's a problem you have with your friends.  "Guys are masters of BS, they'll say anything to get you."  I see Dumbfuck is working under the assumption that every guy is a total asshole.  Projecting again, I see.  "Every guy likes video games."  Seriously, dude?  Just because most people you know do something, does not mean everybody everywhere does it.  I know guys who don't play video games, who haven't owned a console since they were kids (if they had one then), and I'm pretty sure that you are not actually omniscient, so you don't know what "every guy" likes.  Which leads right into "Men hate when you cut your hair short." No, fuckface, you hate when a girl cuts her hair short.  As a girl with long hair, I happen to know that lots of guys prefer short hair, judging by how many of them have told me how much better it would look if I cut it short, and how frequently old boyfriends complained that my long hair was inconvenient and bothersome.  "Many men steer away from giving compliments because girls just play "hard to get" after."  Ladies reading this, do you ever play "hard to get" after a guy starts complimenting you?  I don't.  I'm pretty sure I know why he thinks that, though.  If a dude starts coming on to me and complimenting me a lot, and I'm not into him?  I'll brush him off or leave or something.  The trouble here is that Dumbfuck (who I am fairly confident is the "many men" he is talking about) can't tell the difference between "playing hard to get" and "rejection."  He can't get it through his thick skull that women don't want to date some people.  He's one of those assholes who, if you turn him down, he decides to be "persistent" and to keep harassing you after you've rejected him because he doesn't actually know anything about women or dating.  He ends this tip with the actually really creepy-sounding "we can tell right away if you're the girl we want; girls are way too easy to read."  What the hell does that mean, you can tell if I'm the girl you want?  That is sketchy as fuck.  I have no idea what he thinks he can "read" but he's starting to sound like a bit of a rapist or a serial killer or something.  I am honestly getting creeped out by this misogynistic freak, and I hope to hell I never meet him in person.

Eighteen.  I think part of Dumbfuck's problem is, he doesn't have any real friends, and he assumes that no-one else does either.  This tip is supposedly about having "common sense" but all he's doing is telling you to say that you don't want to go downtown one weekend and then watch all your friends leave you behind.  Is that what happened to you, Dumbfuck?  That's sad.  I've said that before, and my friends didn't ditch me.  We just all did something else that we thought was fun.  Then he says that we "don't need a piece of paper that says "degree" on it to be smart and have common sense."  (Hey, remember in tip number three when he said women who get corporate jobs or go out partying are unhappy?  It sounds like he's against anything that keeps women out of the kitchen.)  And, "Speaking of bar/party scenes...notice how that's all they do with their life and how not one person in Happy Hour looks "Happy" lol."  More proof that Dumbfuck has a very sad, lonely social life.  When I go to the bar with my friends, we're generally all pretty cheerful because we're having a fun night out.  And more evidence of Dumbfuck looking around and making wild unfounded assumptions based on his own self-projection, since he's looking at a bunch of total strangers at the bar and going "Yup, that's all they are doing with their life.  I bet they come here every night and drink themselves into a stupor to forget how sad and lonely and unloved they are and how they're going to die alone eaten by fourteen cats.  Everybody here is miserable!"

Nineteen is just....weirdly pathetic.  I'm not even going to summarize it, I'll just quote it in its entirety.  "For many of you, it's your profiles that scare off good guys (you all say the same things. Be different): "I love to laugh/have fun!"...really?!?! "I just want a nice guy who will treat me right", you want a tall bad boy who will eventually break your heart. "I dont take myself too seriously" why should a guy take you seriously in a relationship? "Live everyday like its your last! Live/Love/Laugh!"...who actually does that? "I have the best friends ever"...till you argue over who's hotter or go for the same guy. "I love my job!"...that's why you run to the bar, parties or gym once you get off to unwind and let loose. We all love our jobs when it's payday, 5pm or the weekend. "I dont like drama and games!", girls live for it. "Id die without my friends"...makes you sound insecure and dependent. "Life's too short!" why do many of you spend most of it working and studying?"  What is your problem, Dumbfuck?  You hate people who say happy, cheerful things, and you refuse to take them at their word.  You assume everybody hates their jobs, that their friends will all turn on them without a moment's notice, that anyone who is even remotely cheerful is bullshitting because "....really?!?!?!" and "...who actually does that?"  I can't even mock this tip, dude, it's just that pathetic.  I really feel sorry for this guy, he has serious problems.  Jesus fucking Christ.

And now for the final tip, number twenty.  Again, not really a tip.  It's listed as one, but all he's saying is that "This all sounds easy, but there's a reason many of you are still here and still meeting jerks."  Apparently we can still meet guys, we just won't meet "the good ones who will be faithful."  Gosh, I sure am glad that Dumbfuck is psychic and knows who I'm meeting and whether or not they are Jerks.  Oh wait, he doesn't need to, because in his mind, any girl who is not interested in dating him is dating a Jerk.  That's because he's a Nice Guy.  Does anyone know the difference between a nice guy and a Nice Guy?  I might have to do a blog post on it.  I was going to go off on a long Nice Guy tangent, but I'll save it for later and just wrap this up because reading all this bullshit has worn me down: Dumbfuck has problems.  He's sexist towards both women and men, he has no friends, and the only relationship he's ever had was presumably pretty crappy, since he doesn't think women should talk to men about anything that is not Sport, Car, or Video Game related.  And you know the scary thing?  When this douche's profile came up in flagmod, another mod said that he was right.  How many idiots out there read crap like this and fucking agree with it?  The world is a scary, scary place, my friends.

Also, this guy has his body type listed as "athletic" and yet he says that he's working to "drop those last 30 stubborn pounds."  I don't want to be fat-shaming anybody or anything, there's nothing wrong with being overweight and it's downright admirable to lose as much weight as this guy says he has (he's lost a hundred pounds already, apparently).  But it's a little dishonest to say that your body type is athletic when you're overweight, even if you are working out to try and change that, and the last part of the list kind of showcases his bitterness about women not finding him attractive.  "There are tons of great men, most just don't look like GQ models."  He never outright says it, but I really get the feeling that he considers thin, conventionally handsome guys to all be "Jerks" women are stupid enough to date instead of going out with him, and they are all fundamentally terrible people who cheat and lie and do stuff that He Would Never Ever Do Because He Is A "Good Guy."  Dude, you need to stop with the hate-on already.  So lots of women don't want to date you.  That's okay.  I'm sure that there are lots of women you don't want to date either, right?  I hope so, anyway.  I wouldn't put it past him to be one of those guys who does not give a fuck who goes out with him, so long as he gets a Girlfriend.  But hopefully there are lots of women who he does not want to date for whatever reason, and that's okay.  He seems to be really entitled, acting like women should be falling all over themselves to date him instead of the "Jerks" they date out of stupidity.  He's just....augh, I can't even continue this.  If I get going on how pathetic this dude is I'll never finish this blog post, and it's long enough as it is.  Fuck it.  I'm sure everybody reading gets the picture, I'm done here.

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