Monday, November 12, 2012

Thank You, Mighty Penis

Moderating a dating site is fun.  You get to see all the crazies.

Today a profile was flagged that was hilarious.  It was some older dude with a billion "tips" for "girls" on how to "get" a "man."  Gee, dude, do you think the reason you need to use a dating site is because you feel the need to instruct women on how they're Doing Everything Wrong before they even get a chance to talk to you?

The first "tip" is to look for commitment qualities instead of sparks, because "Notice how most couples, after the first few months, barely converse and have no passion outside the bedroom."  First, why is it more important that a girl look for a guy who will Stick Around than it is to find a dude she has Sparks with?  What's the point in dating a guy for his commitment potential if you have no chemistry?  And maybe she doesn't want a dude who will Commit To Love Her Forever And A Day.  Maybe she just wants a short-term guy to have fun with.  You don't get to decide how women pick who they want to date, and how they want to date them.  Second, that doesn't sound like most couples to me.  That sounds like a dude who has had a lot of shitty relationships and is projecting like a motherfucker.  Especially since how do you know how other couples act in the bedroom.  Busted.  Just because you're shit at relationships doesn't mean everybody else is.

The next tip is....not actually a tip.  There are a few like this.  He's just all, "Dating is a game!  Guys do stuff to get girls.  Maybe they'll be jerks! Irresponsible people are irresponsible!"  Oooh, helpful.

Tip number three is insulting to women and men.  It's a recurring theme in this list.  Apparently, men are simple and want a simple woman -- sorry, simple girl.  Not once does the list ever refer to a woman as a woman, it's always girl.  Anyway, Simple Guys want a Simple Girl and "notice how most girls with dating problems and most on dating sites are the adventure, party, corporate job, and extroverted ones."  That's right, ladies, if you ever want to have fun or talk to people or, like, have a job or something, that means that you can never ever get a Good Man.  Sorry!  That's just what the list says, and I'm sure you can tell that this advice is all pure gold.  Gold, I tell you!  Also I swear to god this paragraph ends with "How do you please a man? Sports, food and sex. If you want a long conversation that's not about sports, cars or video games, talk to your friends."  Yup, every single guy who ever existed liked all those things and only those things, and they've never ever been able to have any kind of conversation that did not include them.  I've never in my entire life met a single dude who did not play video games, follow sports, or care about cars.  Just like how I've never met a woman girl who liked those things!  Pfft, you want to talk?  That's what women girls are for.  (Hey remember the first tip when he complained that after a few months in all his relationships in everybody's relationships, the couple never converse any more and are only passionate in the bedroom? I think I just figured it out!)

Tip number four!  "Girls want a Man? It goes both ways, Men want a Lady."  Those uppity bitches only want equality "until the bill comes," and if a dude says he likes girly things or is not a manly man then girls will run in the opposite direction! So why shouldn't guys only want girlie-girls who cook and clean and stay in the kitchen!  Now, to be fair to the list-writer, he does say that women girls are allowed to be tomboyish and swear and like fights and sports and drink alcohol and work out.  Of course we're allowed to do that!  But if you do, "don't expect to get a good guy.  If you want to be treated like a Lady, act like one."  He also blames the skyrocketing divorce rate on how girls aren't acting like Ladies any more.  It's all our fault, girls.  Sorry.  Every relationship that ever failed is because you were just too dudely.  

Tip five, "Too many girls think it's all about them. This isn't a Womans World, there are 2 genders, 2 way street. If you want us to respect your body, then respect our wallets."

I actually can't really figure out what he's trying to say here.  I mean, I get what he thinks he's trying to say, that women are all gold-digging whores who take offense to being called whores and that is somehow a bad thing, but....what?  We know it isn't a Woman's World (by the way, this is the only time the word woman shows up in the entire list, I did a ctrl-f search), that's why women make seventy cents to the dollar, rape is ridiculously under-reported, women are under-represented everywhere from the media to the government...and somehow, not being raped or sexually assaulted or harassed is equal to going dutch on dates.  According to this list.  How is this dude single?  I just can't figure it out.

Tip six.  Real Men don't cheat, lie, tell you what you want to hear, or act all "bad ass" because only insecure dudes do that!  (Well, that's not true.  I know lots of really confident, narcissistic dudes who cheated and lied and flirted all over the place.  Just because you don't like the way they act, doesn't mean that they hate themselves.)  Real Men are [insert every single positive attribute you can think of here].  I don't see the point of this tip.  "Jerks are assholes!  Good men are awesome!"  Woah, thanks!  And then the tip continues by saying most girls can't handle Real Men so they go for Boys who cheat and lie.  Yeah, that's it, us women are just so flustered and intimidated by really cool guys that we just throw our hands in the air and date assholes. It has nothing to do with the fact that the world is not actually separated into Real Men and Boys Who Suck, but rather into People Who Have Both Positive And Negative Qualities.  That can't be it at all.

Seven.  "Girls dislike whiny, serious, judgemental, bitter, negative, impatient guys (yet girls do those more than anyone) yet girls like guys who are drunks, chaotic and play games."  One, you are a dude.  You do not get to say "Girls like _____" with any credibility if you are not, in fact, a girl.  Two, even if you were a girl, you could still not say that with any credibility because not all women are the same.  I've said it before, women are not a monolith.  Yes, some women like men who drink, are "chaotic" (whatever that means -- maybe he's thinking of Harley Quinn and the Joker), and play games.  Plenty don't.  Some women also like whiny serious judgemental bitter negative impatient guys when plenty don't.  Also, nice potshot at women there, "girls do those more than anyone," yeah right.  You can really feel the hate-on he has for ladies, can't you?  He's being pretty whiny and bitter and negative and judgmental   Then he says, "If you can't tolerate impatient, tempers or seriousness you'll never handle a marriage; men are naturally temperamental and impatient (and smelly lol)...just give them time."  Hear that ladies?  If your man never makes you laugh, and throws a tantrum if dinner is late, he's a keeper!  Dodge that casserole plate he's throwing at your head and thank your lucky stars you had the Internet Nobody here to tell you how to find a Good Man!  And if his impatience and temper are too much for you, don't break it off and file a restraining order after he gives you a black eye.  Just give him time!  Thanks, Single Bitter Dude On A Dating Site!  And remember, dudes, all men are naturally tempermental and impatient.  You were just born that way.  It's not character flaws that some of you have and some of you don't.  It's an inherent part of Being A Guy.

Number Eight: It's All About Sex.  Apparently we're not fooling guys when we "hide it and play innocent."  Every woman girl ever wants sex, there isn't a single woman girl who wants to wait for marriage or is asexual or something.  And if the dudes aren't any good at sex, why us heartless ladies just toss them and look for the next guy instead of teaching them how to be good at sex like we're supposed to!  (It's all part of the Feminine Rulebook, your job is to teach men how to please women, not to look for your own pleasure.)  And if you're good at sex you can treat a lady like dirt and she'll keep coming back!  Also, uh... also, "std risk is a media scare."

Dang, this guy is a piece of work.  I'm not even going to talk about how fucking stupid that is.  I'm just gonna go on to number nine, "Why are many guys jerks?"  According to Dumbfuck, as he shall henceforth be known, it's because "being nice/honest gets them rejected."  Yeah, that's for sure.  I hate nice, honest guys.  In fact, the second I find out a guy is nice or honest, I reject him on the spot.  Oh wait, no I don't because that's really fucking stupid.  If a guy is actually nice, he would not turn into a jerk because a girl rejected him.  He would be a jerk in the first place who was pretending to be nice in order to get a girl, and who showed his true colours after she rejected him and he didn't need to pretend any more.  Actually nice/honest guys, when they are rejected, are not rejected for being nice or honest.  They are rejected because they don't have much in common with the girl, or because she likes someone else, or they smell funny, or she just plain isn't attracted to them, for any of the billion possible reasons a person can use to decide not to date someone.  And guess what?  It's not a crime to reject people you are not attracted to.  I am not contractually obliged to date Nice Guys because They Deserve A Girlfriend.  Then Dumbfuck says that girls go with bad boys and it's their own fault if they get hurt, because they can't change a jerk.  Unless she is giving him time to change like you recommended in Tip Number Seven, Mister Can't Keep His Bullshit Straight.  And apparently, guys have emotions too!  They just hide them because they know us bitchy women will judge them if we find out!  Lol.  Actually, we probably won't.  Us girls tend to like our guys having a sensitive side, or many of us do at any rate.  A lot of guys only show their emotional side to their girlfriends, which really fucks them over if they break up.  And not because that fucking bitch went and made fun of him for crying or told all his secrets to the entire world or anything, but because he can't show his emotions to anyone else.  Do you know who's policing the whole expressing-emotion thing with guys?  It is the guys.  Men hide their emotions from each other, because they judge each other.  Don't blame this on the girls, Dumbfuck, this is a patriarchy thing.

Anyway, this is a pretty long list, so I'm gonna show you tip number ten and then post the rest of them later.  Tip number ten is surprisingly not-awful.  I mean, it's not some insightful piece of wisdom or anything, but it's somewhat less completely outrageous than every other tip so far.  "Physical attraction is important but the more you get to know someone the more attractive they become."  That's actually pretty sweet!  And true, too.  Lots of people are kinda average in the face-pretties, but when you meet them they're completely gorgeous because their personality is just that awesome.  Of course, Dumbfuck being Dumbfuck, he had to put his text-foot into his keyboard-mouth with the end of his advice.  "If men are all about looks, why are many of you still single and why do you see so many slim guys dating big women?"  That cuts both ways, asshole.  Why do you see so many hot chicks with average-to-ugly guys?  Or with poor guys, or guys with small dicks?  How come every sitcom couple on TV is the ugly guy/hot wife combo?  Dumbfuck has taken this one piece of perfectly good advice that applies to everyone, and shown off his true colours by slanting it so that it only applies to women.  Because girls are trashy hoes who only like hot guys, and need to be taught how to find and keep the elusive Good Man.  Don't worry, the rest of his advice is just as hilariously bad.  I'll show you exactly how bad it is tomorrow or this evening or something.  Later, peeps!

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