Welcome To The Jungle

Apparently there is a song by Guns 'n' Roses called Welcome To The Jungle.  It seems to be fairly popular, because I keep running into people referencing it, or saying it's stuck in their head.  I don't know if I've ever heard it myself, though.  And I always get very confused when someone brings it up, because whenever they mention Welcome To The Jungle, this is the version that I think they are talking about:

It is such a good song.  Well, it's not, but you know what I mean.  I love it.  Pizzazz is a crazy jungle lady attacking random crew members in some straw hut/pyramid setting, crawling around on all fours and pouncing on the cute blond hunter guy, presumably to rip his throat out with her teeth. After her freaky convulsion-dance on the pyramid, anyway. Roxy and Stormer are on bongo duty.  At some point they die and their ghosts ascend to the stars to bongo Mufasa style, and Pizzazz goes back to dancing on the pyramid.  Somehow her shadow doesn't seem to match up with her movements at all.  The Misfits just had the best music videos.

Look

No really, look.  LOOK AT THIS.  Look at how beautiful it is.  So majestic.  So graceful.  Animals simply have natural abilities that we humans can never match.

JennaMarbles, why you gotta slut-shame? D:

Oh, Jenna.  I think you are so cool.  I loved your sports-bra video, and your dogs are adorable!  But girl, I gotta disagree with your "Things I Don't Understand About Girls: Slut Edition" video.  Because slut-shaming is wrong, and I want to speak up against it whenever I hear it going down.

First thing right off, you seem to think that being a slut is a bad thing?  Except you're kind of flip-floppy on that.  You say that you know that the word slut has some negative connotations, but that you think being a slut is a choice.  Which, yes, it is a choice!  It is the choice to have lots of sex.  But you kinda trailed off there.  You acknowledge that "slut" has negative connotations....then never say whether or not you agree with the negative connotations.  So I'm gonna assume that you think being a slut is a bad thing, because overall you're being very critical of slut-ness*.  That's not cool!  So you don't wanna have lots of casual sex, that's cool.  Neither do I!  But some people do, and that's okay.  It's their life, it's none of my business if they want to have casual sex!  In fact, more power to them, because sex is fun and there's nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, from lots of people.  So let's stop trying to say it's bad to do it, okay?
Oh look, you do think being a slut is bad, you say so at the end of the video!  Maybe you should have said it here too, just to clarify things.

Next, you talk about one night stands.  You don't get why people want them, pretty much.  Because girls have body issues, and boys are dangerous!  Except maybe you should wonder why your insistence that everyone has body issues should stop people from doing what they want.  Maybe people don't have body issues as bad as you think they do?  And even if they are as bad as all that, it's a good thing that body issues don't stop people from going after what they want (like sex).  Besides, what could be better for body issues than getting ass-fucking-naked in front of someone and seeing how somebody else finds your body to be totally awesome tonight, instead of standing six inches from the mirror and hyper-focusing on every pound and pimple until you're so convinced at your hideousness that you never ever undress in front of anybody ever.  Sure, it's better to realize how awesome you look on your own and learn to love your body because it's gorgeous rather than because other people like it, but sometimes that's hard and it's nice to take a shortcut to feeling totally hot.  Doing one of these things does not automatically negate doing the other thing as well.

And you say boys are dangerous because what if the stranger is into rape or murder!  You should not go home with him but instead google his name and get with him after that!  Except, you know, a dude is not going to say on his Facebook wall, "Hey tonight I'm gonna go to the bar and find a lady to take home and rape and murder!"  The vast majority of rapes and murders are committed by people known to the victim.  Googling his name and finding out where he went to high school will not suddenly let you know whether he's a safe dude to sleep with.  And saying that you should not be a slut and go around sleeping with people just in case somebody turns out to be a rapist/murderer, is just another way of saying "if you are raped/murdered, it is your own fault because you were a slut."  And that is not cool at all.  Don't go victim-blaming, it is never ever the victim's fault that somebody else is evil and attacked them.  If anybody ever thinks that a victim is ever to blame for their rape, then they can just fuck right off.  Seriously.  Go away, get off my blog, you are not welcome here.

Now we've moved on to the "stupid sluts" part.  Yeah, I wish more people would admit that any sexual behaviour is technically sex, even if they want to put special importance on the penis-in-vagina kind.  But sex means something different to everybody, and you shouldn't judge people just because their definition is different from yours.

I literally made a D: face at the pregnant-slut part.  What!?  Jenna, Jenna, why is it so important to you who the fetus's dad is?  Why does it have to make you feel weird that you don't know, or that you don't think that the mom-to-be knows?  Guess what, who the dad is maybe isn't all that important.  Single parents can raise kids fine, and the real father is never the guy who donated some genetic material but the guy/guys that are actually there for the kid and give it a person to look up to, as a father-type person.  But not having a father-type person is not inherently bad, because there are so many people who have been raised by just moms, or by two moms even!  It's really none of your business that the pregnant lady slept with lots of people, so "feeling weird" about it is kind of intrusive, especially if feeling weird about it means you later go online and tell the world how terrible you think they are for making you feel weird.  Just be happy that the mom-to-be is happy about her mom-to-be status, ok?

Please don't assume that all sluts are making bad decisions, or are having lots of sex because of a lack of respect for themselves or something.  Casual sex is not inherently a bad decision, it's just a decision that some people make that you or I would not make.  It's a different decision.  And it's really insulting to say that people only choose it because they have no self-respect.  Have you never read sex-positive feminist blogs?  Most of the sluts I am familiar with have self-respect coming out of their ears!  How many people you have sex with does not necessarily correlate to absolutely anything other than, you know, the number of sexual partners you've had.  And possibly the amount of sex you've had?  But there are lots of people who have had lots of sex with a few partners, so I dunno.  I'm not really a sex mathematician.  Sexematician?  Mathemasexian?  There's gotta be a pun for this.

I'll grant you a few points, Jenna.  It's important to practice safe sex.  Use a condom, people!  STDs are bad!  It's a dick move to have sex with a guy when you know he has a girlfriend, because it's wrong to hurt other people like that.  Don't let people pressure you into having sex you don't want (ie, rape), and don't feel pressured to have sex if you only want to have sex because it's cool .  Have sex because you want to have sex, not because cool people have sex (while I have not met anyone who has done this, I'm not going to say that nobody ever did because hey, there's a lot of reasons people have had sex, how should I know them all).  And having friends around who can help you from getting into trouble by, say, trying to stop a creeper from taking advantage of you if you've had too much to drink or somebody slipped you something is awesome.  Or being a person who is willing to help strangers from being taken advantage of like that!  But don't judge people because they sleep with what you think is too many people.  Other people's sex lives are none of your business, and it's wrong to slut-shame people.  There's enough of that in the world already, we don't need more poison in the blow gun dart of sexism.

But I am not mad at you, Jenna.  I'm just disappointed, parent-style.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, I think you're cool and I like a lot of the videos you've made.  I still think you're cool!  But I also think that you've succumbed to a lot of very negative messages that lots of other people have also internalized regarding sex and women's sexuality in particular.  You say in the video that you love when people disagree with you and start discussions, and I sincerely hope that you listen to the discussions that your video started and see what made your video so sexist and problematic that the internet kind of exploded at it, even if you don't change your mind about any of the subject matter.

PS: I could not help but notice that your entire video was aimed at slut-shaming women.  I know that the video was made as a "things I don't understand about women" thing, but I gotta help but wonder if your opinions on slutty guys are just as toxic as your opinions on slutty women?  Ladies have gotten the short end of the slut stick, you know.  When guys sleep around it's just what guys do, but if women do it then they are demonized and labelled sluts.  Even when people try to shame a man for sleeping with lots of ladies, it is pretty much always a much milder shaming than a woman would get.  Just something to think about.

Did you wish on a star last night?

Fuck, it was cold as balls out there.  I went out a few times (in between Tremors movies) to stargaze, saw a whole lotta night sky and a fair few shooting stars, a couple of them really impressive!  It turns out the top of the hill by my house is a great place to stargaze ever since they cut all the trees down.  Well, it's pretty good.  It's got a lovely view of the city, but the light pollution makes that part of the sky kind of useless, stargazing-wise.  It's right in the wind, too.  Again, you're kind of screwed when it comes to being cold and seeing great stars.  Either you're warm or you see a nice night sky, one or the other.  I wish I could have gotten photos or video of the meteor shower, but my camera couldn't possibly get any decent image of the night sky.  You'd need a crazy-good camera for that, probably.

Supposedly the meteor shower should have still been visible tonight, just not as good as last night (which was when it peaked).  I didn't go out tonight though, last night satisfied me.  I saw some very pretty falling stars last night, and again, it was cold as balls out there.  And I had to be pretty patient to see the stuff I did yesterday.  As cool as meteor showers are, I don't think it would have been worth it to go out tonight, to see far fewer meteors, and under a lot more cloud cover than there was last night to boot.  Let's just watch some timelapsed meteor showers on YouTube instead, ok?

Hey America

Or rather, Hey Americans:

Don't ask me "how's your thanksgiving going!"

Thanksgiving was a month ago.  Or at least, my Thanksgiving was a month ago.  Other countries don't celebrate American holidays.  Even if every single show on TV insists on doing a Thanksgiving episode this week.  Christmas is ok, Halloween is ok, Valentine's is ok, etc etc, because those are not specifically American holidays.  But Thanksgiving in America is very specifically about Pilgrims and Indians and American history, bullshit though it may be, so don't assume it's a universal thing.  The rest of the world really doesn't care all that much about your holidays.  So when you know that I'm Canadian, and you ask me "How's your thanksgiving going!" I'm just going to assume that you're kind of an idiot, and make fun of you on my blog.  And then I'm going to embed a video from the Addams Family.  You're welcome.

I Hear The Sound Of Stupid....

No, seriously.  I heard Dad watching a video in his office and I just had to go in and say, "I hear some really stupid things being said in here, what the hell are you watching."  Turns out it was this.

I just, I can't...  The stupid, it burns.  I can't even make fun of this, it's just that ridiculous.

Batman Maybe

I'm so glad Call Me Maybe became a meme.  It created such glorious things.

Theme song covers

I've seen some pretty impressive covers of theme songs.  Like, really good ones, did you see that death metal My Little Pony cover?  Badass.  Or Super Mario Bros on the theremin.  The accordion version of the Imperial March.  Not to mention just about everything in a capella.

But oh my god, this Jurassic Park cover is fucking amazing.  I almost wish it had been in the actual film.  

so perfect

"Jesus Take The Wheel" is terrible.

I just heard "Jesus Take The Wheel" for the first time.  Fucking assclowns, that's a stupid song.

Basic gist: lady is driving to her parent's house for Christmas, running low on "faith and gasoline."  I would honestly be more worried about the gasoline, unless you're driving the Popemobile.  So she's driving with her kid in the backseat, low on gas, she's not paying attention to the road, she's speeding, and it's a snowy night. And somehow, this leads to her "spinning on a thin black sheet of glass" because whaaaaaaat, a shitty driver loses control of her car?  No fucking way!!!

And then the stupid part comes.  She's so scared and terrified that she doesn't even have time to cry!  Though it takes like a second or less to yelp when you find your car spinning off into a ditch, but whatever, it's been established that her reflexes are shit.  She does, however, have time to "throw her hands up in the air" and beg Jesus to take the wheel.

OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS WOMAN ALLOWED TO DRIVE.  Pro tip, when you lose control of your car do not let go of the wheel you fucking titshit.  The magical sky fairies will not intervene when you consciously allow a bad situation to get worse because you say "fix it for me I fucked up!"

"It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder," what?  No, seriously, what?  Is this a Day After Tomorrow situation where the temperature drops significantly in two seconds and flash-freezes the country?  Is that why she can't drive, her tires are coated in frozen Astroglide or something?  Anyway, whatever.  Car comes to a stop on the side of the road, lady's all "holyshitJesus!" and starts praying or something.  Apparently losing control of her car is a metaphor for the rest of her life which is equally shit.  So she goes "well fuck, my life is miserable!  Fix it for me please Jesus" because the accident taught her that she doesn't have to do anything and the magical sky fairies will make everything better if she just sits back and changes nothing and lets everything get worse.  Or something.  Oh, she says she has to change her life.  Wait, that's exactly the opposite of what you're saying when you ask Jesus to take the wheel!  Oh my god she's an idiot as well as a bad driver.

Final point, the phrase "she threw her hands up in the air" is ridiculous.  When I try to imagine that scene, all I can think of is either "She's ragequitting her car crash" or this:

PS: TK, if you seriously make "Jesus take the wheel" a popular saying, I will surround your house with wind chimes.

Jem and the Holograms

I fucking love Jem and the Holograms.  The series is just fantastically bad in every way.  I'm going to buy the series box set off a friend who, in a moment of insanity, bought it at HMV and has never stopped regretting the purchase, at least not that I've seen.  I don't know why.  It's such an amazing show, it's like this perfect explosion of mediocre 80's trash that somehow adds up to more than the sum of its parts.  It is so bad it has become fantastic.

I mean, just look at the opening!  The animation is admittedly six to eight times better than you will ever see in the actual show, but the rest of it is a fairly good demonstration of the show in general.  The wet troll-doll hairstyle, the inane lyrics, the freeze-frame-spinning-star-title-card at the end.  It's absolutely glorious.

So according to the lyrics, when Jem is not being Excitement or Adventure (ie. most of the time) she is Outrageous.  I could make a crack like "I disagree!  I find she is not outrageous at all, but is in fact a boring character on a terrible children's cartoon from the Eighties!"  But the actual definition for outrageous, according to Google and therefore Right and True, is this:

And honestly if I were asked to describe this show to somebody who had never heard of it, I would use all those words in the definition to describe it.  So clearly, this show knew exactly what it was talking about when it wrote the theme song.  And when it was describing the title character.  And when it was describing the music.  Jem, the music's contageous - outrageous!!  It's true, all the songs in this are shockingly bad and to call them contageous is wildly exaggerated and improbable.  Not that I'm a music critic, I leave that to Wyatt.

Though I can't figure out the eye-sparkle when Jem winks.  I get it when it pops up when she kisses Dudeface, because clearly they are into the sloppy droolfest makeouts.  Did he spit in her eye? Is that why she closed it?  And if that's what happened, was it a kink thing or is he just an ass who randomly spits in people's eyes?  Because honestly, I'd believe either.

George Street Fest

Alternate title to this post, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!!!!!

But yeah, the concert was rad.  Beauwater in particular was friggin' sweet!  I had so much fun I kind of don't know where to start.  I guess being in chronological order then get distracted later in the post and have everything be a muddle?  That sounds good lets do that.

Went down with Ash of hell on heels, and since both of us had wisely decided to eat absolutely nothing of substance before going down to George Street, as soon as we got onto the street we had to find somewhere to grab a bite.  So we get some club sandwiches at O'Reilly's pub and basically chilled there for a while, people-watching.  We saw Fat Fabio, this chunky guy in a tee shirt walking down the street with a big grin on his face, long luxurious blond hair blowing in the wind.  Actually I should save the people-watching till the end of the post, or else I'll just get sidetracked.

So anyway, me and Ash are just sitting around in the pub half-listening to the pretty awesome music from the opening band, and when we're done eating we go out to check them out.  I wish we'd eaten faster, because as it turns out these guys were freaking AWESOME.  I only caught the last part of their set, unfortunately, but they ended with a really great cover of Hey Jude, which my camera mostly mutilated with the audio but hey, at least I got it.  It sounds kind of crappy in the video, but that's none of it the band.  Band rocked this song.

Anyway, Ash and I were totally blown away by these guys.  They were crazy good!  We were so impressed by them that we had to go up after they had finished their set and ask what the name of the band was -- we'd missed it, since we only got in at the end.  And the singer was like "Beauwater -- here!" and gave me an album.  I know!!  It's awesome!!  I'm listening to it right now, it's fun stuff.  

The next band was pretty good too.  Not as good as Beauwater, but still fun.  The guy on keyboards was awesome.  We actually met him like hours later, as Ash and I were walking down the street looking for a not-completely-blocked bar (and ended up in Scanlan's, in case you were curious).  Turns out the lead singer is his dad.  We never would have guessed!  He seemed pretty young on stage.  The singer.  Keyboard guy was I guess a teenager?  I'm terrible at guessing ages. I'm gonna say "somewhere between ten and thirty."

Third Eye Blind was pretty cool too.  Honestly, the first time I'd ever heard of them was like last week when Ash said "Robin, you're coming to see these guys with me on Thursday."  So I was like "Okay," and downloaded a best-of cd to figure out who the heck they were.  I listened to them for a while and was like, Oh!  These guys! These are the guys that did that one song.  Or part of it, at least."

The two and a half minute part, specifically.

But the...band?  Is it a full band or is it like just the one dude, like Owl City or City and Colour?  Because only the one guy was doing the talking.  Whatever, I'll look it up later.  What was I going to say?  Oh right, I was gonna say something about how it's always cool when the band/dude is so pumped and energetic and totally into it that he gets everybody in the audience pumped too, whether or not they started out as pumped-up fans.  Like I started the evening going "Well, it'll be pretty cool, I guess.  Beauwater was rad, so hopefully Third Eye Blind will match up to them!"  And they totally did.  Guy had glow sticks, hucking them into the crowd.  He managed to toss a few up to the people hanging out the second-story windows above the road, that's a pretty good arm!  If only the beer girls earlier could throw like that.  But they only tossed t-shirts to the people jammed up in front.  Which on the one hand, they waited around and jostled to get in front so I guess they deserve a bonus for being good fans?  Or something?  But on the other hand, did they really have to give all the shirts to the front-row people?  Get the beefy guy to toss a few to the farther-back people.  Not at me, because I really don't need a beer-shirt in the face.  But Fantits next to me was fair shrieking for one.  I'm getting off-topic, I'm saving the people-watching for last.  I'm still talking about the band, aren't I?  I think I am.  Band was cool.  I like glow sticks.  Singer dude was good at making me really excited to see him, even though I honestly didn't really know who he was.  I would post the videos I took of Third Eye Blind, but it took an hour and a half to upload the Beauwater video so I'm not gonna do that.  At least not today.  Maybe tomorrow or next week when I've forgotten how annoying that was.

Anyway, the people-watching.  It's the most fun you can ever have on George Street.*  I think I mentioned Fat Fabio earlier, didn't I?  We saw Skinny Fabio afterwards, too.  If only they could have met.  And hipster chicks in weird outfits.  There were two of them, with like...I think it was floral bras/tank tops or something, and supertight short-shorts that go way up over their belly buttons.  It didn't really look bad, just kind of....weird.  It would fit right in on some haute-couture fashion show, but I've never seen real people try to wear the clothes that models wear on a runway.  Mostly because those outfits are weird.  And then there was Fantits.  She was standing next to me for most of the night, and she was hilarious.  She was obviously a huge fan of Third Eye Blind, and kind of a bigger girl.  She was cute, though.  Anyway, she was very loud in her appreciation of the band, and as soon as they showed up she started bouncing.  But not up and down kind of bouncing, she jumped really weird. She went sort of rocking forward and back as well as up and down, so it was like she was boob-tackling the girl in front of her.  Seriously, I was almost worried that she'd get a concussion or something.  Especially odd, she was very concerned with not getting in peoples way and constantly apologized to the people around her for being in their way or blocking their view.  But she never seems to notice the girl she is boob-assaulting.  Or head-assaulting?  Since it's her head getting assaulted, and the breasts are the assault-weapon.  Maybe headboob-assaulting.  I'm getting distracted again.  She was obviously a huge fan, from the superexcited bouncing that started as soon as the band came on and didn't stop for the entire show, and also she knew literally all the words for all the songs.  It was kind of impressive.  

*Citation needed.

I wish I'd had my iPod on me at the concert.  Not to listen to music, but so I could take notes haha.  I just know there are a million things I'm forgetting that I wanted to talk about later, but fuck if I can remember them now.  I suppose if I remember it I'll write another post.  In the meantime, have another Beauwater video!  Not one I took, of course, but there are a few up on Youtube.  Dang, I like these guys!  I should go to another show of theirs one of these days.

Emotionally blogging about pants some more.

Shopping for jeans sucks.  It's almost impossible to go to the store and find a couple of pairs of jeans that look good, they're not that shitty ultra-low-waist straight/skinny leg style, that fit well and have decent pockets.  I'm sure you know how I feel about pockets.

But I love my jeans anyway.  Possibly because of that!  There's just something about going through racks of jeans until you find the Perfect Pair.  I get all happy inside when I look in the dressing-room mirror at jeans that look as awesome as they feel.  I love a good pair of jeans.  I can get very emotional when it comes to pants, you see.

And because I love my jeans so much and it's so hard to find a good pair, I'm loathe to throw a pair out.  Even when I've worn them to threads and there are giant holes in them, I think about how comfy they are and how long it took to find them, and I just can't throw them away.  I will wear jeans until I have no other choice to go buy new jeans to replace them, and then I keep both the new and the old jeans.  It's probably a bad habit, because I have like a billion pairs of jeans that are so ragged and worn to bits that I can't wear them unless I decide to become a very odd stripper and I still don't get rid of them.  Maybe I need help or something, who knows?

I sure as hell don't.

But there's this one pair.  This one pair of jeans that I am just so emotional about oh my denim god.  Anybody here read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants?  I haven't.  But I saw the movie!  Or I saw like half the movie.  Bits and pieces of the movie.  Okay I saw the beginning of it shut up and let me finish.  I have magic pants.

They aren't magic in that they fit whoever tries them on like those weird Sisterhood pants.  Fuck right the hell off, I'm not letting anybody else wear these!  These are mine, get your own magic pants!  Don't you dare come near my jeans, Bruce Banner.

YOU'VE ALREADY GOT MAGIC PANTS ANYWAY JERK

My jeans are magic in that they fit me so well it's almost eerie.  I found them in Value Village for like five bucks, ages ago.  In high school, so probably like four or five years ago.  And I tried them on and it's like a chorus of angels was singing, though it might have been the radio.  They were perfect!  They made my ass look fantastic.  They fit in the waist AND in the leg, which is just like astounding when you're as short as me.  I've never found jeans that fit me in the leg before!  And they made my ass look fantastic.  They had this neat design on the right leg, sort of cut out of the jean all neat to show brown suede-like material sewn underneath, and instead of a zipper they had the same sort of suede material in a string, lacing up the front.  And did I mention that they made my ass look fantastic?  When I die I want to be buried in these jeans, for super serial.

So I got these jeans secondhand and I've been wearing them for like four or five years now.  Obviously, they're starting to get a little worn out.  I noticed last year that the material's getting really thin and a small hole is starting to appear around the crotch-thigh area, where my upper thighs rub together when I walk.  I was literally devastated when I realized that these jeans are not immortal, and I can't wear them for the rest of my life.  Nooooooooooooooooo!!

Or can I?

Well, they probably won't last the rest of my life.  Unless I die tomorrow in a freak trouser explosion or something.  But I can make them last longer!

I decided I didn't want to give up on my favourite jeans.  There had to be some way to fix them, right?  I mean, I couldn't think of any way to successfully patch a crotch without ruining the look of my jeans, but maybe there's some sort of trick out there for it.  So I started googling!  TO THE SEARCHMOBILE

NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND BUT OK

First thing I found was Denim Therapy.  Apparently I send them my jeans and some money and they will fix my damaged pants.  I put it on my list of things to Consider.  Maybe to some people it would sound crazy to be willing to pay somebody what will probably end up being a fairly substantial amount of money to repair a five-dollar pair of jeans from a thrift store.  In which case, what have you been reading up till now because it probably wasn't this blog post.  YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY DENIM LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

But anyway.  If I couldn't find any other options I would probably end up going for Denim Therapy, but I'd rather save that money and fix them myself if it turns out to be possible.  Hey I said I'd be willing to pay someone to fix my jeans, not that I want to do it.  Luckily for me, I kept searching and found a couple of answers!

The most common one is "make a patch."  Usually of another layer of same-colour denim or a funky-looking patch of another colour, material, or pattern.  That would probably work for the knee or something, if there was a hole there, but for my crotch?  It sounds like it would end up being ugly and bulky and uncomfortable, since the jeans are fairly tight.  I have a few pairs of jeans that I can rescue with this patch-method, but I doubt it would work for my magic jeans.

And then I found this.  It is exactly, perfectly what I need to save my favourite pair of jeans from becoming totally unwearable.  It's perfect!  It's incredible, fantastic, amazing, it's intastimazing!  I had no idea that I could fix my jeans in such a clean, tidy-looking way!  I'd settled for getting the hole in my jeans patched up in an awkward but serviceable way, so they look slightly less awesome but I can wear them again.  It's like magic!  I can save my magic pants with magic sewing!  Thank you, Google!  Now let's party.  TURN THE MUSIC UP AND DANCE, MOFOS

the fucking ants are not literally fucking

FUCKING ANTS

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THESE FUCKING ANTS

they're friggin everywhere

I had hoped we'd fixed this stupid problem.  We've always had a huge problem with ants in this house -- well, I've always had a huge problem with ants in this house.  Everybody else is like "oh they're just tiny little bugs get over it already they aren't gonna hurt you" to which I respond "are you blind THEY ARE THE DEVIL IN AN EXOSKELETON they will crawl into your skin while you sleep and nest in your lungs" but nobody ever listens to me, I'm craaazy.  Well we'll see who's crazy soon.  We'll see!!

But anyway.  Ants.

We had a problem with ants, there's always been a couple of ant hills around the house.  Couple of steps from the back door, anthill.  Side of the house by the window, anthill.  End of the driveway, anthill.  Middle of the driveway, anthill.  Just ants all the time.  The worst one was last summer, though.  We were repairing the front eaves and it turns out there was a leak on the corner.  The wet wood had started to rot, just a bit at the front, and then the ants invaded and destroyed it, making a nest inside my roof

inside my roof inside my roof INSIDE MY ROOF THE SQUATTING BASTARDS

and all summer they were just crawling all over the place -- I literally threw a plate of spaghetti across the room on reflex because I went to pick it up and saw it crawling with ants.  The little bastards ruined my spaghetti!  My spaghetti!  Is nothing sacred?!

So anyway.  We found this fucking ant nest inside our roof, had to replace that part of the roof entirely, sprayed poison everywere, did everything in our power to kill the fuckers

and

they

still

won't

leave

It is just the worst thing, knowing that there are insects crawling everywhere.  You get hyper-aware of your skin.  Every errant tickle is an ant crawling up your leg.  Do you have long hair?  Imagine just getting a long hair somewhere, and you feel this constant tickle up your arm and in your head you're like "it's probably just a stupid frigging hair stuck in my shirt" but you keep reacting with OHGODIT'SONMEGETITOFFGETITOFF

I don't care what anybody says.  Ants are terrifying fucking bastards and if you think anything different then clearly they have already gotten you.  I'm sorry.  You're one of Them now.  Serving Their needs and dancing to Their dark, unholy song.  There's just nothing I can do to help at this point, you're lost to the human race forever.

Fucking ants.

more than you needed to know about my pants

I am wearing the worst pants.

Do you know why they are the worst pants?  It's because they are secretly bad.

I've hated them for months, but I can't throw them out because one, who throws out pants don't be ridiculous.  And two, the second I take them off, I forget how terrible they are.  Because they look really good!  They fit me well, they're new-looking without any holes or wear, the hem is still attatched.  They have pockets.  You have no idea how much I love pockets, you guys.  They're great.  Like half of my pants have these shitty little pockets that I can get maybe half my hand into when I'm not wearing a ring or anything.  Or worse, they don't have pockets at all.  I have one pair of pants that has fake pockets.  They look like they have pockets!  There is the pocket opening, and a button for the pocket, and all that pockety goodness that makes you think "yup, these are some pockety pants!"  But then you try and put your hand in the pocket, and the pocket isn't there.  The pocket is fake.  It's the pocket opening sewn onto a pocketless pair of pants.  WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wait shit I started complaining about the wrong pants.  Oops.

So Worst Pants have pockets, and no holes, and all the belt loops are secure and attatched.  They look like any normal pair of NotWorst Pants.  I don't realize until like halfway through the day that the pants I am wearing are, in fact, Worst Pants.

Because that is when I realize that my fly never stays zipped.

I must have zipped my fly like five bajillion times today.  Do I have a tiny pixie living in my Worst Pants, unzipping my fly every five minutes?  Am I forgetfully unzipping my fly at random?  Am I hallucinating my pants and actually walking around in my underpants all day?  I hope it's not that last one.  That would be embarrassing.  Though compulsive fly unzipping isn't exactly elegant either.

At first I wasn't sure how to end a blog post about pants, but then I realized that there was only one way.