BREAKING news.

I know it's a dumb thing to be amused by, but I had to laugh when I saw this in my RSS reader.

"BREAKING news.  The 12-person jury in the David Folker murder trial has reached a decision at Newfoundland and Labrador Supreme Court."  First, it's hilarious that the BREAKINGnews. picture is so much bigger than the actual news it's breaking -- and that it's got that period at the end of news.  Breaking news -- sorry, BREAKING news is not exciting enough for an exclamation point, it must be read in perfect monotone!  I mean, perfect monotone.  And after that, you notice the second hilarious thing: there's no information here.  The jury has reached a decision!  What was the decision?  Iunno.  Does it matter what they decided, as long as they decide anything?  Aw shucks, who cares!  BREAKING NEWS what news BREAKING NEWS it was second-degree murder BREAKING NEWWWWS.

um

BREAKING! NEWS.

The words "breaking" and "news" no longer mean anything to me D:

I Dreamed A Dream

Last night I had a dream that the walls of my house were full of maggots.  Not tiny normal maggots though, but giant snakelike maggots.  And they would burrow through the walls like fish swimming through a coral reef.  I watched them come out of the mouth of a man on a poster in my room, and go back in through his eye.  We didn't know where they were coming from, until we went underneath the house to look at the foundations and saw what must have been at least a dozen blocks of cheese, huge blocks, the size of a large trunk or sailor's chest.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up, which was disappointing because I wanted to know how the cheese factored into all this.

Deep sleeper

I wake up at the oddest things.  Normally I would say I'm a deep sleeper, because I can sleep through a lot.  To date I have slept through countless very loud, very persistent alarm clocks, I have slept through thunder and lightning, I have slept through the phone ringing right next to my head, I have slept through people talking to me and shaking me, I have slept through video games my brother is playing on a projector with the boom box hooked up for maximum authenticity when the artillary starts dropping, I have slept through fire alarms, I have slept through my great-grandmother falling and breaking her hip and being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.  I can sleep through a lot of stuff.  So that would make me a deep sleeper, right?

Except sometimes I wake up at the oddest things, too.  Like somebody talking in another room.  Not even very loudly, or to me.  This morning I woke up because Dad answered the phone in his bedroom and told Mom who it was.  I didn't wake up at the phone ringing, but I jerked awake as soon as he spoke to my mother about it.  And whenever I'm having a hard time waking up in the morning, all I gotta do is put on my glasses and suddenly I'm wide awake.   It's like an on-switch or something.

Basically, sometimes waking up is weird and for some reason I thought it was important to broadcast this to the world at large.  Go back to your regularly scheduled morning.

I Am A Terrible Dream-Pet Owner

Once I dreamed that I had two pet hamsters that I kept in a standard-size (read, small) cage on top of the dresser in my room.  I dreamed this a year or two ago, and it was not a particularly exciting dream, with the exception of two cute hamsters.  I have always wanted a hamster.  I can't have one though, because I am not nearly responsible enough to keep a small pet.  I can handle a dog, but a hamster is beyond my capabilities.  I'll leave the cage door open and the hamster will run out and get caught in the sticky trap in the kitchen, and it'll be just like when mice get caught in it.  I'll hear my pet screaming in terror and biting at itself until it bleeds, immobilized in the glue until somebody finds it, and all you can do is put the entire trap with the screaming terrified rodent into a plastic bag and smash it with a wine bottle to put it out of its misery.  It's the most inhumane form of trap.  I wish it wasn't so effective.  Also, I wish people would keep hamsters in larger cages.  I've never seen a hamster really happy in one of those standard-size cages, that are like the size of a shoebox.  Hamsters get bored in those and just sleep in the corner all day and get fat because there's no room to run around so all they can do is spin on that little wheel.  I've seen hamsters get bored of that wheel.  Hamsters seem to be happiest in those huge two-story cages with the tubes and shit to run around in, and a little cubbyhole to hide and sleep in.  If I ever get a hamster, that's the cage I'm getting.  Fuck the tiny one, I want my hams to have all the space they need.  

But I digress, I was talking about my dream-hamsters, not my future-hamsters.  Once a year or two ago I dreamed I had two pet hamsters that I kept in a cage on top of my dresser.  And every so often I remember that dream, but I forget for a second that it was a dream.  So I remember owning hamsters, and then I go, holy shit I haven't thought about those hamsters in months the poor things have starved to death I'm such a terrible person!  And it's only after I have made myself feel miserably sad and guilty over being such a terrible person that I remember, wait, I've never owned a hamster, that was only a dream I had once.  I am not sure if this is an odd story or if it happens to a lot of people.  I'm just blogging about it in the hope that once it becomes a funny story I tell, I'll stop forgetting that the hamsters were only a dream.  I love my dead dream hamsters, I don't want to think that I killed them.  The poor little things.