Screw Sharks, Think Of The Dolphins!

So I was going through the junk folder on my oldest email account, just to see if I was missing anything, and I found this petition: "The Cost of Shark Bait Soup: Dolphins Chopped Up And Skinned Alive."  The hysterical summary cries out about the sadful sadness that is the dead dolphins, butchered by those horrible fishermen.  They just don't appreciate these amazing creatures!  Also something about havoc on the ecosystem.  The dolphins, though!  The dolphins!

Seriously.  The first paragraph of the petition's description reads, "Shark fin soup comes with a price. And we're not talking the thousands people pay to eat it — we're talking the mass killing of sharks, the disruption of our oceans' ecosystem, and the brutal slaughter of hundreds of thousands of dolphins used by fishermen as shark bait."  The other two paragraphs, however, focus exclusively on the fate of the dolphins, and the petition itself is asking the Peruvian government to better enforce the ban on dolphin meat.

I didn't sign the petition.  Normally, I'm a sucker for petitions.  I know they don't actually have any real effect, most of the time, and they are an easy way for someone to pretend to be an "activist" without actually doing any real, meaningful activism.  But sadly, I'm guilted into signing them pretty easily.  A corporation has done something mean!  I must take a stand, or else I am supporting them!  An animal is being abused?  I must sign this, or else I will be as bad as the people abusing it in the first place!  Et cetera, et cetera.  But I didn't sign this one.  In fact, I was kind of offended by it.

For one thing, they don't ever mention which kind of dolphin is usually being slaughtered.  It makes me a little suspicious.  After all, while there certainly are endangered breeds out there, the bottlenose dolphin, for example, isn't endangered in the slightest.  Neither the petition nor the article it links even throws in a sentence like, all dolphins are killed, regardless of endangered status!  Also, dolphins are kind of dicks.  I admit, I've got a bit of my own personal bias going on too: dolphins are just so universally adored, but I just don't see how they are any cuter or more endearing than another type of animal, and after a lifetime of hearing about how they're so sweet and friendly and spiritual and they have such a connection to us and "My spirit animal is a dolphin because I just love dolphins" I just got kind of annoyed by them.  I don't actively dislike dolphins or anything, they just don't register as special to me the way they seem to for everyone else.  

Which leads me to what is probably the main reason I didn't sign the petition: it was just obsessed with the freaking dolphins, and it completely ignored the worse industry: shark fishing.  Even though the petition's page starts out by directly mentioning shark fin soup, which kills a huge amount of sharks annually, it's the freaking dolphins that matter.  They're as bad as dolphins, taking an industry that's explicitly about killing sharks in horrible ways and only being concerned with the way it affects the one animal that's popular and cute enough for them to stir up emotions over.  It's killing the dolphins that will ruin the ecosystem, folks! The shark killing is just a little side drama to add to this horrible dolphin tragedy!

You could probably say that sharks are my dolphins: everyone else seems to think they're just awful, but I love them to pieces, and the shark fishing industry just breaks my heart.  The dolphins are getting off easy here.  The article the petition links to even says, "the dolphin is hauled on board and almost immediately dies on the deck of the vessel."  Bleeding profusely, sure, but at least it dies right away.  Compare the poor sharks; a lot of the time, the fishermen don't even kill them before cutting off their fins, and they just toss them back into the water to sink down and die, eaten by predators or drowning without their fins propelling water through their gills.  And I can't think of any non-endangered shark breed subjected to finning off the top of my head.*  Great whites, endangered.  Hammerheads, endangered.  Mako sharks, probably endangered, I can't remember.  Whale sharks and basking sharks, both endangered and greatly sought after.  If the petition really cared about the plight of amazing creatures, it would be objecting to the entire practice of shark finning, not just the way shark finning also includes the death of "cute" animals like dolphins.
*Not to say that there aren't any; I can pretty much guarantee that there are plenty I'm not thinking of.  Just not off the top of my head, like I could with the dolphin thing.

But nope!  Hey Peru, get to work on saving those dolphins!  Those cutie-patooties are the real victims of the shark finning industry!  Assuming this is that magical unicorn petition that actually does have an effect on the real world, what would happen if it worked?  Peru would stop people from hunting dolphins, sure.  But it wouldn't stop anyone from hunting sharks, or from using a different animal as bait.  This petition isn't about animal rights, it's just about dolphins specifically, because people have decided that dolphins alone are worth protecting, but sharks aren't cute enough and "the ecosystem" is too broad and vague to have an emotional impact.  Look at Flipper!  He's always smiling!  Quick, pass a law!

Disclaimer: I'd just like to say, for the record, that I'm not an animal rights activist.  I strongly disapprove of animal abuse, and I love just about any critter that isn't a bug.  I absolutely think there should be laws in place to protect animals, especially endangered ones like the various sharks and dolphins mentioned in this post.  But I also approve of keeping animals as pets, and of using them when it's convenient, I approve of animal testing (look, it's sad that animals get hurt over it but I want to know that my makeup and medicine is safe for living things before it starts getting tested on humans!), and I approve of hunting.  In fact, I think hunting is more humane than animal farming.  At least my moose had the space and freedom to run around and live, and it's not stuffed to the moosey gills with steroids and hormones.  Basically, just because I disagree with how limited this petition is, don't lump me in with those Peta freaks.  

Update: I was on Wikipedia and remembered this article, so I looked up shark finning!  Turns out that of the dozen or so species listed on the page as being commonly fished, only about three of them are non-threatened: blacktips, blues, and tigers.  Well.  They're "near-threatened," so still not great that they are being hunted, but they're still classified as "least concern."  

Phoque Bardot Murder Burger

Apparently there is a restaurant (a terrible terrible restaurant of filth and hate!) in Quebec called Côté-Est that has shocked and horrified millions by - how dare they - selling a burger.  Awful, right?  I mean really!

This is such a heinous crime that of course righteous and civic-minded individuals have informed the restaurant of their opinions regarding the burger, in the form of hate mail and death threats.  Nothing extreme or anything, of course -- I mean, how else are they supposed to spread their message of love and non-violence?  The only way to share your belief that killing and eating animals is wrong is by threatening to kill humans.  For some reason, some people have been objecting to this?  I don't get it, really.  They aren't saying the restaurant owners should be eaten, like they do to those poor innocent baby seals!  Just that they should be killed!  Which, really, is a fair expectation, don't you think?

All kidding aside, why the hell are the animal rights nutjobs only now getting freaked out by this place.  It's not like they were a vegan place that started selling seal burgers in a moment of madness.  They had beef burgers before this, presumably.  They had chicken on the menu.  They have been selling meat the entire time.  Are cows worth less than seals now?  Is there a hierarchy of animals, where it becomes less and less offensive to eat them?  How come pigs are lower than seals on that hierarchy?  Pigs are adorable.  Look at this guy.  How is this little babykins worth fewer points than a boring old seal not eating ice cream.

Raise them on ice cream for extra deliciousness

Oh, wait, I figured it out!  Clearly, up until now the restaurant hasn't been selling meat made of animals.  They've been selling meat that was not made of animals.  Beef is not made of cows, it is grown on a farm somewhere, and this seal burger is the first time any animals have ever been made into meat for this restaurant.  All the rest they got was made at the supermarket, where as we all know, no animals were harmed.  It's the only thing that makes sense, really.

Giant Squid

So I went to the Rooms last week, and WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THEY HAD A DEAD GIANT SQUID IN A TANK.  Seriously, that is amazing.  I've always wanted to see one of those!  I gotta go back there with my camera soon and take photos.

The Adventures of Batman and Robin

I want another dog.  My old dog, a black lab named Pal who was a very good boy oh yes he was who's a pretty puppy boy, died about two years ago.  I desperately want to get another dog because dogs are freaking awesome, as we all know.  Unfortunately I can't get one because we had Pal for about fifteen years and Brogue before that for about the same amount of time.  Sure, Dad would love to get a new dog, but Mom is somewhat less enthusiastic.  Actually, she's just enthusiastic for the idea of not getting another dog.  She's pretty tired of dogs after having had one for twenty-five or thirty years now.  Besides, he works in a daycare, she spends all day dealing with small noisy creatures who can't go to the bathroom unattended as it is, she doesn't want to come home to it.

So right now a new dog is not really an option.  But eventually I will get a new dog, and I was talking to a friend the other day when the thought occurred to me -- what will I name my new dog?  Naming a dog is a big responsibility.  My sister named Pal, after the puppy on Arthur.  You know that book series/cartoon, it's about an aadvark with a tiny people-type nose even though the first book gave him a normal big aardvark nose and an aesop about how he shouldn't care about how big his nose is because looks aren't important.  Did you know that cartoon is still running?  Because I didn't!  Holy crap, that thing's been going since I was a kid, I remember watching it in the mornings before going to school.  That's a crazy long time for a kid's show to run.  What about Inspector Gadget, how long did that run?  Apparently they only made 85 episodes or something, but kept it in syndication for like a decade.  Dang, now I'm just getting huge nostalgia bombs.  I should look up that show about the Chinese cats who write with their tails.  Wait, cats?  I'm writing a blog post about dogs!  Dammit, keep on track.

Dog!  Naming dog.  My sister named Pal after, you know, Pal.  It was a really good name for him, because he was the sweetest, friendliest, stupidest dog you'd ever meet.  It would have been really dumb if we'd named him something that didn't suit, like Ripper or Sherlock.  Unless we were going for irony, but my sister was like seven when she named him so I don't think we really understood irony enough to base a dog's name on it.  We lucked out with Pal.  There was no guarantee that the next dog would be so accommodating to what we'd name it.

Clearly this was something to give serious thought to, while I still had time in the years between now and when I eventually get this dog.  But the other day I was talking to a friend, and it hit me!  The perfect name for whatever dog I get.  I can't believe I didn't think of it before.  I mean, my name is Robin, how can I name my dog anything other than Batman?  It's perfect!

So I was thinking about that and doing random blogspot searches -- you know, just typing in random blog names and seeing what came up -- and I found something amazing:  the name The Adventures of Batman and Robin wasn't taken.  How is this even possible.  I had assumed every single Batman-related blog title had already been imagined and claimed, especially the super-obvious ones like this.

So of course I took it.  I mean, I couldn't not take it.  What if when I get my new dog in the distant future, he wants to start a blog?  I'd have to be all, "Gee, Batman, a couple of years ago we could have had the best blog name ever, but I didn't nab it and now some twelve-year-old registered it, made one post and then fucked off into the ether never to return.  Tough luck!"  You just can't let that happen.  I don't think I could handle letting Batman down.  He's been through a lot of shit in his life, man.  Seeing his parents killed before his very eyes.  Having to wear that dorky cone after getting fixed.  Me constantly pretending to throw the ball when it's actually in my hand the entire time.  It's a hard life.  He deserves a win now and then, don't you think?

By the way, the blog Bat Shark Repellent is also free.  You know, just in case you wanted to make a totally awesome bat-blog.

the fucking ants are not literally fucking

FUCKING ANTS

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THESE FUCKING ANTS

they're friggin everywhere

I had hoped we'd fixed this stupid problem.  We've always had a huge problem with ants in this house -- well, I've always had a huge problem with ants in this house.  Everybody else is like "oh they're just tiny little bugs get over it already they aren't gonna hurt you" to which I respond "are you blind THEY ARE THE DEVIL IN AN EXOSKELETON they will crawl into your skin while you sleep and nest in your lungs" but nobody ever listens to me, I'm craaazy.  Well we'll see who's crazy soon.  We'll see!!

But anyway.  Ants.

We had a problem with ants, there's always been a couple of ant hills around the house.  Couple of steps from the back door, anthill.  Side of the house by the window, anthill.  End of the driveway, anthill.  Middle of the driveway, anthill.  Just ants all the time.  The worst one was last summer, though.  We were repairing the front eaves and it turns out there was a leak on the corner.  The wet wood had started to rot, just a bit at the front, and then the ants invaded and destroyed it, making a nest inside my roof

inside my roof inside my roof INSIDE MY ROOF THE SQUATTING BASTARDS

and all summer they were just crawling all over the place -- I literally threw a plate of spaghetti across the room on reflex because I went to pick it up and saw it crawling with ants.  The little bastards ruined my spaghetti!  My spaghetti!  Is nothing sacred?!

So anyway.  We found this fucking ant nest inside our roof, had to replace that part of the roof entirely, sprayed poison everywere, did everything in our power to kill the fuckers

and

they

still

won't

leave

It is just the worst thing, knowing that there are insects crawling everywhere.  You get hyper-aware of your skin.  Every errant tickle is an ant crawling up your leg.  Do you have long hair?  Imagine just getting a long hair somewhere, and you feel this constant tickle up your arm and in your head you're like "it's probably just a stupid frigging hair stuck in my shirt" but you keep reacting with OHGODIT'SONMEGETITOFFGETITOFF

I don't care what anybody says.  Ants are terrifying fucking bastards and if you think anything different then clearly they have already gotten you.  I'm sorry.  You're one of Them now.  Serving Their needs and dancing to Their dark, unholy song.  There's just nothing I can do to help at this point, you're lost to the human race forever.

Fucking ants.

I FUCKING LOVE SNAKES

WE SHOULD HAVE A SNAKE PARTY

Seriously though, snakes rock. They get a bad rap, what with all the squeaky-screamy people jumping on chairs going "eeeek!" when they see them.  Or do they only do that for mice?  I guess if somebody's timid enough to scream and jump up on a chair because of an itsy little cute mousy, they'd do it for a snake too.  Geez, imagine how jumpy-screamy they'd be at a snake and a mouse!

But yeah, I've gotten off topic.  I'm talking about how awesome snakes are, and how much I love them.  They're just so cool!  They're like the prettiest reptiles ever, I mean I'd like to see a gator or a bearded dragon look as fancy as this albino cobra.  

But it's not just cool or pretty or exotic snakes I love.  I like all of them!  Just any snake anywhere makes me squeal with glee.  Look at this little guy!  Doesn't he look just so neat!?

I kind of desperately want a pet snake, haha.  Or a pet hamster.  Or a pet cat or dog or turtle or just about anything, really, I love animals.  Unfortunately I am not in the position to own a pet just this minute, whine sob weep woe is me.  A pet snake would be really cool, though.