The Egg Quest: Concluded?

Can it be?  Have I discovered the secret to Delicious Eggs?  Has my lifelong quest to improve terrible foods finally come to an end?  Can I really call it a lifelong quest if I only started it a couple of weeks ago?

Yeah, I guess not.

Anyway, I made some scrambled eggs tonight.  They were delicious!  At first.  They turned gross when they started to cool off, I guess eggs are the sort of thing that only taste good hot?  Is that an egg thing?  I don't eat eggs how should I know.  Cooling-off breakfast taquitos are still good though.  But I'm pretty sure they are magical wands in food form what with the being unbelievably delicious thing.

So my scrambled eggs: I discovered the secret to making them taste delicious.  I must add as many other ingredients as it takes to mask the egg-taste.  Which sure, maybe it's cheating, but seriously eggs are gross and I don't know if I can fix that.  So I added a few lumps of grated cheese, a quarter of an onion, four slices of bacon, a bit of milk, butter, and a bit of pepper and sugar.  Is it weird to put sugar in eggs?  Batman, any thoughts?

Wait, no it's not weird or no you don't have thoughts?  BATMAN COME BACK I'M CONFUSED

Anyway, the recipe I was (mostly) following said to fry the bacon while you prepare the other ingredients.  I am sorry, Recipe, I guess you're a lot better at dicing onions and finding the pepper and grating cheese than I am.  Or at least you can do it a lot faster.  Because when I tried to do it that way I got like, less than halfway through dicing the onion before the bacon started getting burn-y.  Again.  Saved it in time this go around, though!!  Anyway here's a Life Tip, when you try a new thing always assume it will take you approximately sixteen times longer to do the little nibbly details than it did for Person Who Has Done It A Million Times And So Wrote A Recipe For Scrambled Eggs Where They Think It's Totally Reasonable To Prepare All The Ingredients In The Time It Takes To Fry Bacon And By The Way Bacon Apparently Needs A Lot Of Attention So Maybe You Shouldn't Do Anything Else While Making Bacon If You Are As Not-Great At Cooking As I Am, And This Name Turned Out To Be Way Longer Than It Needed To Be.  Gasp, pant, breathe.

Anyway, the recipe is pretty similar to the eggs I made last time, what with the bacon and the cheese.  So clearly, the secret ingredient that made them Delicious instead of Tolerable was the onions.  This doesn't surprise me.  Onions are amazing.  They are the most delicious things in the world and every time someone tries to convince me otherwise it just makes me more certain that Onions Are The Best Thing Ever Fuck You.  Don't believe in the awesomeness of onions?  They made scrambled eggs taste amazing!  Onions are magic, I'm telling you.

Magic.

For the record, add a bit of onion soup mix to the patty-meat when you are making hamburgers or mooseburgers, it makes them taste amaaaaaazing.  Fuck yeah, onions!!!  =D

So, is this the end of my egg quest?  In finding the secret to making yummy scrambled eggs, has my journey finally come to a close?  Can I lay to rest my weary spatula, hang the apron, and close the pantry door for good?  Okay okay Batman's telling me to shut up already.  Besides, I didn't even use a spatula.   Or own an apron.  Also I don't technically have a pantry.  Well, maybe I have a pantry.  A pantry can just be a shelf full of condiments, right?  Like it doesn't specifically have to be a food-closet-thing, does it?  Oh.  Wikipedia says my shelf of condiments can't be a pantry because a pantry specifically has to be a food-closet-thing.  Well fuck you too, Wikipedia, fuck you too.

I'm sorry, Wikipedia.  I didn't mean it.  Can we be friends again?  I miss you.

Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to cook.

I destroyed another pot today.  I'm not very good at this whole kitchen cooking thing.  I'm not even normal-makes-food-taste-gross bad cook, I'm like, bend-the-laws-of-physics-to-make-things-impossibly-terrible kitchen destructor.  Case in point, I melted a stainless steel pot.

Granted, it probably wasn't actually a steel pot.  It was sold to us as one, but considering the whole melty-ness of it, Dad says it probably has an aluminum bottom.  Still though, I didn't know pots could do that before today.

I was only trying to make spaghetti!  Unfortunately, my attention span is.....less than great.  Actually my attention span might be non-existant.  I was thinking about how absolutely starving I am, and was like "There's sauce in the fridge, I'll put on spaghetti!  Spaghetti is awesome!"  So I fill a pot with water, and put in about twice as much as I needed on the reasoning that I'd probably forget about it and let half of it boil away before I remembered.  This is standard practice for me when boiling water.  It's not really a good omen.

So I go back to the living room, intending to reply to a message on MSN and then getting the noodles from the pantry.  But of course I get distracted, and completely forget about being hungry and having the stove on.    I only remember when Mom gets out of bed and goes, "Hey, what's that smell?  Are you cooking something?" You know that moment where you can just feel the "oh shit" expression forming on your face, right before you drop everything and run?  I do.

So I drop everything and run to the kitchen, and find that our new stove is apparently much hotter than our old stove.  The water has completely boiled away, the bottom of the pot is glowing orange, and when I pick it up to move it off the hot burner only half of the bottom of the pot came with it.  There's pools of molten metallic liquid on the burner, and the pot's got these silver stalactites hanging of the bottom.

So I try cooling the pot in a saucepan of water, but it doesn't seem to work very well. The pot keeps screaming at me.  So I give up and put it upside-down on another pan on the back of the stove -- no, that one wasn't on, I only turned on the one burner this time.  Mom and Dad come in and marvel at the incredible way I destroyed the kitchen this time.  None of us even knew pots could do that!  Especially not really good, supposedly stainless steel pots.

Luckily, my parents are awesome.  Once I was at a friend's house and she accidentally let a pot boil dry.  The pot wasn't really damaged, but her mom still freaked out about it and they got into a screaming match over it.  Compare my parents, they see that I've completely ruined one of the best pots in the house and they immediately start laughing about it.  As long as nothing's on fire, they're happy.  And at least this time I didn't scorch a hole in the floor!  I should tell that story someday, it's a pretty good one.

Long story short, Mom shrugged it off and went back to bed and Dad told me to get my camera because this was kind of totally awesome.  Now I have a spiky-bottomed death-pot and an old Wowbutter jar with the giant lumps of metal we picked off of the burner that Mom told me to keep as a souvenir.  And also pictures to prove it happened.  I'd say this was probably my best cooking-fail yet.

The Egg Quest: Continued

Okay, not an auspicious start to my quest.  I burned the bacon first go round and set off the smoke detectors, but at least this time there isn't a hole in the floor this time.

I still don't like eggs.  I did my best.  The bacon was delicious, but it was bacon so of course it was.  Maybe I should have put some salt or pepper on the eggs or something .  And also cleaned the pot after I burnt the first two strips of bacon, because the burnt taste ended up being really obvious in the food and the burnt bits turned the eggs a sort of dull greyish colour that looked....not really appetizing, to say the least.  Also I broke a plastic spoon in the eggs and didn't realize until I saw it on my fork.  In my defense, it was a white spoon and really blended in with the egg.

So now the question is, what do I do next in my quest to improve eggs?  How do they taste so good in my breakfast taquitos, but so terrible on their own?  It can't all be the bacon making it fantastic, can it?  Well okay it probably can because bacon is magic like that.  Maybe a bacon omelet or something, or I can just keep adding things to scrambled eggs until they start tasting good.  Or should I move on from eggs entirely and see if I can make some other terrible foods taste good?  Decisions, decisions.

The Quest for Bacon, Eggs and Cheese

Today I embark on a quest.

It shall be a grand adventure, full of bravery and battles and treasure and xp.  And eggs.  Because today, I am going to try and learn to like scrambled eggs.  Madness, I know!  What even is my deal, who knows.

Full disclosure, I hate eggs.  They taste gross, they look gross, they feel gross.  Eggs are just gross.  Like homemade mac and cheese, everything from the taste to the texture to the very smell is revolting.  Well, revolting is a little strong.  But I'm overusing gross, so I'll stick with it.  I don't like eggs.  Never have, probably never really will.  But recently, two Things Of Great Importance have happened to me.  Both things are food.

The first Thing Of Great Importance: I had delicious homemade mac and cheese.  I didn't know it could be done.  Homemade mac and cheese is just nasty, I've never been able to eat it.  But then, bacon happened.  Fuck yes bacon.

I didn't know you could add things to mac and cheese!  Especially not bacon!  It was so delicious, my brain imploded.  I didn't realize mac and cheese could be that delicious.  Even the texture was somehow better.  Suddenly, terrible foods could be improved.

The second Thing Of Great Importance: breakfast taquitos.  Again, I'd never been fond of taquitos.  I didn't hate them like mac and cheese, but I couldn't see any redeeming value in them either.  And then I ate breakfast taquitos, and it was like I could hear a chorus of breakfast angels singing (over the radio).  I expected to dislike them -- they're made with bacon, egg, and cheese.  Bacon was pretty much the only decent food in that, though I'm learning to like cheese.  So I took a bite thinking I'd spit it out and move on with my life, but oh my god I've never felt this way about my mouth before.  It was the most amazing mouthfeel in the world.  Holy crap, eggs didn't ruin it!  Eggs.....eggs might taste good.

Well, fuck.  Now I have to test this.  Test this with improvements.  Like bacon.

So, In The Name Of Science, I googled a few recipes for Best Scrambled Eggs.  Most of them look terrible, so fuck that.  But some of them (like the ones with onions) look like they might taste pretty good.  Some of them (the ones with bacon) look like they might taste amazing.  I don't think I have onions, but I definitely have cheese and bacon.  I'm gonna test the fuck outta these eggs.  Test them by eating them.  Eating them with Science*.  It will be a glorious quest for taste-knowledge.
*bacon

I'm actually quite excited to quest on this.  I've always wanted to like eggs, because they seem so fun to make.  And also it's a reason to make bacon and bacon is always a reason to be excited.