I just heard "Jesus Take The Wheel" for the first time. Fucking assclowns, that's a stupid song.
Basic gist: lady is driving to her parent's house for Christmas, running low on "faith and gasoline." I would honestly be more worried about the gasoline, unless you're driving the Popemobile. So she's driving with her kid in the backseat, low on gas, she's not paying attention to the road, she's speeding, and it's a snowy night. And somehow, this leads to her "spinning on a thin black sheet of glass" because whaaaaaaat, a shitty driver loses control of her car? No fucking way!!!
And then the stupid part comes. She's so scared and terrified that she doesn't even have time to cry! Though it takes like a second or less to yelp when you find your car spinning off into a ditch, but whatever, it's been established that her reflexes are shit. She does, however, have time to "throw her hands up in the air" and beg Jesus to take the wheel.
OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS WOMAN ALLOWED TO DRIVE. Pro tip, when you lose control of your car do not let go of the wheel you fucking titshit. The magical sky fairies will not intervene when you consciously allow a bad situation to get worse because you say "fix it for me I fucked up!"
"It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder," what? No, seriously, what? Is this a Day After Tomorrow situation where the temperature drops significantly in two seconds and flash-freezes the country? Is that why she can't drive, her tires are coated in frozen Astroglide or something? Anyway, whatever. Car comes to a stop on the side of the road, lady's all "holyshitJesus!" and starts praying or something. Apparently losing control of her car is a metaphor for the rest of her life which is equally shit. So she goes "well fuck, my life is miserable! Fix it for me please Jesus" because the accident taught her that she doesn't have to do anything and the magical sky fairies will make everything better if she just sits back and changes nothing and lets everything get worse. Or something. Oh, she says she has to change her life. Wait, that's exactly the opposite of what you're saying when you ask Jesus to take the wheel! Oh my god she's an idiot as well as a bad driver.
Final point, the phrase "she threw her hands up in the air" is ridiculous. When I try to imagine that scene, all I can think of is either "She's ragequitting her car crash" or this:
PS: TK, if you seriously make "Jesus take the wheel" a popular saying, I will surround your house with wind chimes.
I fucking love Jem and the Holograms. The series is just fantastically bad in every way. I'm going to buy the series box set off a friend who, in a moment of insanity, bought it at HMV and has never stopped regretting the purchase, at least not that I've seen. I don't know why. It's such an amazing show, it's like this perfect explosion of mediocre 80's trash that somehow adds up to more than the sum of its parts. It is so bad it has become fantastic.
I mean, just look at the opening! The animation is admittedly six to eight times better than you will ever see in the actual show, but the rest of it is a fairly good demonstration of the show in general. The wet troll-doll hairstyle, the inane lyrics, the freeze-frame-spinning-star-title-card at the end. It's absolutely glorious.
So according to the lyrics, when Jem is not being Excitement or Adventure (ie. most of the time) she is Outrageous. I could make a crack like "I disagree! I find she is not outrageous at all, but is in fact a boring character on a terrible children's cartoon from the Eighties!" But the actual definition for outrageous, according to Google and therefore Right and True, is this:
And honestly if I were asked to describe this show to somebody who had never heard of it, I would use all those words in the definition to describe it. So clearly, this show knew exactly what it was talking about when it wrote the theme song. And when it was describing the title character. And when it was describing the music. Jem, the music's contageous - outrageous!! It's true, all the songs in this are shockingly bad and to call them contageous is wildly exaggerated and improbable. Not that I'm a music critic, I leave that to Wyatt.
Though I can't figure out the eye-sparkle when Jem winks. I get it when it pops up when she kisses Dudeface, because clearly they are into the sloppy droolfest makeouts. Did he spit in her eye? Is that why she closed it? And if that's what happened, was it a kink thing or is he just an ass who randomly spits in people's eyes? Because honestly, I'd believe either.
Okay, not an auspicious start to my quest. I burned the bacon first go round and set off the smoke detectors, but at least this time there isn't a hole in the floor this time.
I still don't like eggs. I did my best. The bacon was delicious, but it was bacon so of course it was. Maybe I should have put some salt or pepper on the eggs or something . And also cleaned the pot after I burnt the first two strips of bacon, because the burnt taste ended up being really obvious in the food and the burnt bits turned the eggs a sort of dull greyish colour that looked....not really appetizing, to say the least. Also I broke a plastic spoon in the eggs and didn't realize until I saw it on my fork. In my defense, it was a white spoon and really blended in with the egg.
So now the question is, what do I do next in my quest to improve eggs? How do they taste so good in my breakfast taquitos, but so terrible on their own? It can't all be the bacon making it fantastic, can it? Well okay it probably can because bacon is magic like that. Maybe a bacon omelet or something, or I can just keep adding things to scrambled eggs until they start tasting good. Or should I move on from eggs entirely and see if I can make some other terrible foods taste good? Decisions, decisions.
It shall be a grand adventure, full of bravery and battles and treasure and xp. And eggs. Because today, I am going to try and learn to like scrambled eggs. Madness, I know! What even is my deal, who knows.
Full disclosure, I hate eggs. They taste gross, they look gross, they feel gross. Eggs are just gross. Like homemade mac and cheese, everything from the taste to the texture to the very smell is revolting. Well, revolting is a little strong. But I'm overusing gross, so I'll stick with it. I don't like eggs. Never have, probably never really will. But recently, two Things Of Great Importance have happened to me. Both things are food.
The first Thing Of Great Importance: I had delicious homemade mac and cheese. I didn't know it could be done. Homemade mac and cheese is just nasty, I've never been able to eat it. But then, bacon happened. Fuck yes bacon.
I didn't know you could add things to mac and cheese! Especially not bacon! It was so delicious, my brain imploded. I didn't realize mac and cheese could be that delicious. Even the texture was somehow better. Suddenly, terrible foods could be improved.
The second Thing Of Great Importance: breakfast taquitos. Again, I'd never been fond of taquitos. I didn't hate them like mac and cheese, but I couldn't see any redeeming value in them either. And then I ate breakfast taquitos, and it was like I could hear a chorus of breakfast angels singing (over the radio). I expected to dislike them -- they're made with bacon, egg, and cheese. Bacon was pretty much the only decent food in that, though I'm learning to like cheese. So I took a bite thinking I'd spit it out and move on with my life, but oh my god I've never felt this way about my mouth before. It was the most amazing mouthfeel in the world. Holy crap, eggs didn't ruin it! Eggs.....eggs might taste good.
Well, fuck. Now I have to test this. Test this with improvements. Like bacon.
So, In The Name Of Science, I googled a few recipes for Best Scrambled Eggs. Most of them look terrible, so fuck that. But some of them (like the ones with onions) look like they might taste pretty good. Some of them (the ones with bacon) look like they might taste amazing. I don't think I have onions, but I definitely have cheese and bacon. I'm gonna test the fuck outta these eggs. Test them by eating them. Eating them with Science*. It will be a glorious quest for taste-knowledge. *bacon
I'm actually quite excited to quest on this. I've always wanted to like eggs, because they seem so fun to make. And also it's a reason to make bacon and bacon is always a reason to be excited.
Alternate title to this post, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!!!!!
But yeah, the concert was rad. Beauwater in particular was friggin' sweet! I had so much fun I kind of don't know where to start. I guess being in chronological order then get distracted later in the post and have everything be a muddle? That sounds good lets do that.
Went down with Ash of hell on heels, and since both of us had wisely decided to eat absolutely nothing of substance before going down to George Street, as soon as we got onto the street we had to find somewhere to grab a bite. So we get some club sandwiches at O'Reilly's pub and basically chilled there for a while, people-watching. We saw Fat Fabio, this chunky guy in a tee shirt walking down the street with a big grin on his face, long luxurious blond hair blowing in the wind. Actually I should save the people-watching till the end of the post, or else I'll just get sidetracked. So anyway, me and Ash are just sitting around in the pub half-listening to the pretty awesome music from the opening band, and when we're done eating we go out to check them out. I wish we'd eaten faster, because as it turns out these guys were freaking AWESOME. I only caught the last part of their set, unfortunately, but they ended with a really great cover of Hey Jude, which my camera mostly mutilated with the audio but hey, at least I got it. It sounds kind of crappy in the video, but that's none of it the band. Band rocked this song.
Anyway, Ash and I were totally blown away by these guys. They were crazy good! We were so impressed by them that we had to go up after they had finished their set and ask what the name of the band was -- we'd missed it, since we only got in at the end. And the singer was like "Beauwater -- here!" and gave me an album. I know!! It's awesome!! I'm listening to it right now, it's fun stuff.
The next band was pretty good too. Not as good as Beauwater, but still fun. The guy on keyboards was awesome. We actually met him like hours later, as Ash and I were walking down the street looking for a not-completely-blocked bar (and ended up in Scanlan's, in case you were curious). Turns out the lead singer is his dad. We never would have guessed! He seemed pretty young on stage. The singer. Keyboard guy was I guess a teenager? I'm terrible at guessing ages. I'm gonna say "somewhere between ten and thirty." Third Eye Blind was pretty cool too. Honestly, the first time I'd ever heard of them was like last week when Ash said "Robin, you're coming to see these guys with me on Thursday." So I was like "Okay," and downloaded a best-of cd to figure out who the heck they were. I listened to them for a while and was like, Oh! These guys! These are the guys that did that one song. Or part of it, at least."
The two and a half minute part, specifically.
But the...band? Is it a full band or is it like just the one dude, like Owl City or City and Colour? Because only the one guy was doing the talking. Whatever, I'll look it up later. What was I going to say? Oh right, I was gonna say something about how it's always cool when the band/dude is so pumped and energetic and totally into it that he gets everybody in the audience pumped too, whether or not they started out as pumped-up fans. Like I started the evening going "Well, it'll be pretty cool, I guess. Beauwater was rad, so hopefully Third Eye Blind will match up to them!" And they totally did. Guy had glow sticks, hucking them into the crowd. He managed to toss a few up to the people hanging out the second-story windows above the road, that's a pretty good arm! If only the beer girls earlier could throw like that. But they only tossed t-shirts to the people jammed up in front. Which on the one hand, they waited around and jostled to get in front so I guess they deserve a bonus for being good fans? Or something? But on the other hand, did they really have to give all the shirts to the front-row people? Get the beefy guy to toss a few to the farther-back people. Not at me, because I really don't need a beer-shirt in the face. But Fantits next to me was fair shrieking for one. I'm getting off-topic, I'm saving the people-watching for last. I'm still talking about the band, aren't I? I think I am. Band was cool. I like glow sticks. Singer dude was good at making me really excited to see him, even though I honestly didn't really know who he was. I would post the videos I took of Third Eye Blind, but it took an hour and a half to upload the Beauwater video so I'm not gonna do that. At least not today. Maybe tomorrow or next week when I've forgotten how annoying that was.
Anyway, the people-watching. It's the most fun you can ever have on George Street.* I think I mentioned Fat Fabio earlier, didn't I? We saw Skinny Fabio afterwards, too. If only they could have met. And hipster chicks in weird outfits. There were two of them, with like...I think it was floral bras/tank tops or something, and supertight short-shorts that go way up over their belly buttons. It didn't really look bad, just kind of....weird. It would fit right in on some haute-couture fashion show, but I've never seen real people try to wear the clothes that models wear on a runway. Mostly because those outfits are weird. And then there was Fantits. She was standing next to me for most of the night, and she was hilarious. She was obviously a huge fan of Third Eye Blind, and kind of a bigger girl. She was cute, though. Anyway, she was very loud in her appreciation of the band, and as soon as they showed up she started bouncing. But not up and down kind of bouncing, she jumped really weird. She went sort of rocking forward and back as well as up and down, so it was like she was boob-tackling the girl in front of her. Seriously, I was almost worried that she'd get a concussion or something. Especially odd, she was very concerned with not getting in peoples way and constantly apologized to the people around her for being in their way or blocking their view. But she never seems to notice the girl she is boob-assaulting. Or head-assaulting? Since it's her head getting assaulted, and the breasts are the assault-weapon. Maybe headboob-assaulting. I'm getting distracted again. She was obviously a huge fan, from the superexcited bouncing that started as soon as the band came on and didn't stop for the entire show, and also she knew literally all the words for all the songs. It was kind of impressive.
*Citation needed.
I wish I'd had my iPod on me at the concert. Not to listen to music, but so I could take notes haha. I just know there are a million things I'm forgetting that I wanted to talk about later, but fuck if I can remember them now. I suppose if I remember it I'll write another post. In the meantime, have another Beauwater video! Not one I took, of course, but there are a few up on Youtube. Dang, I like these guys! I should go to another show of theirs one of these days.
I love St John's, but it can be kind of boring. There's not really all that much to do around here, aside from drinking and doing the touristy see-the-sights-oh-look-cabot-tower-and-colourful-houses stuff. I remember one tourism commercial that I saw all the time in college. It started out with a bunch of people closing their shops with a disembodied voice going "When the sun goes down..." and then partying at george street or a concert, "The city goes up!" and then thirty seconds of Epic Parties that do not actually happen here. I was like "Yeah, sorry, I don't think there's really any good way to spin the 'everything in the city closes at five pm' line, guys. Thanks for trying, though."
So when I was hanging out with a friend on Sunday, we couldn't really think of anything to do. Sunday's even worse than the rest of the week, nothing's ever open on Sundays. So, to find something interesting going on in the city, we turned to Google. What the hell, I figured, we'd go the touristy route and look there. So I looked up "things to do in St John's."
Omfsm. Tourists must haaaaaaate us. In one list, the top two attractions closed a while ago. The top one, Auntie Cray's, was a deli or something (how exciting!) that closed down in 2010. Rocket Foods now occupies the space it used to be in. And the second item down the list, the Science Centre, used to be the coolest place to visit....when I was a little kid. I don't know the exact date that the Science Centre closed, but it sure as heck isn't there now. And another list I looked at was even worse. While as far as I could tell all the attractions it included still existed, way down near the bottom City Wide was listed as an attraction. Do you know why City Wide isn't a St John's tourist attraction? City Wide is a taxi service. Ooooh, look honey! It's a rare St John's cab! Get the camera!
Oh, dear. I'm looking at the City Wide website now. I think the word you're looking for is 'perusing' and not 'parousing.' Also, I know you tried your best, sweetie, but I think the last words I'd use to describe your website would be "fascinating and entertaining." Especially since more than half of the links on the site lead to pages that haven't actually been created yet.
I went kayaking last Wednesday at long pond. There was some Asian guy on the walking trail, standing by the water and singing in a language I didn't understand. It was pretty impressive! He stuck around singing for like half an hour, and man. Dude had some pipes, you could hear him all over the pond. I wonder what he was singing.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY HELL IS WITH THIS SHIT-FUCKERY LIKE GOD DAMN YOU STUPID FUCKING BOOK IT'S A SHITFUCKING ISLAND BUILT ON THE GODCOCKING FISHING INDUSTRY AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING BOATS WHAT THE COCK KIND OF ANTHOLOGY ABOUT FREAKING NEWFOUNDLAND DOESN'T HAVE ANY SHITFUCKING STORIES ABOUT GODDAMN FUCKING BOATS WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK IS YOUR ASSFUCKING PROBLEM JESUS FUCKING CRACK COCAINE
I had something I was gonna mention in my last blog post, but I forgot about it! Or did I intentionally neglect to say it so I could have another blog post to write...no, it was the first one. I promise.
Anyway, it was something I noticed that a lot of people said, while I was googling ways to repair worn-in-the-crotch jeans. A lot of people seem to have this problem, particularly with cheap jeans (no surprise). I read a bunch of different threads and there were tons of people saying "Yeah, I have that problem but my jeans are so cheap it isn't really worth the effort of fixing it, so I just toss them out or donate them," or "I just wear jeans with holes in them. If they get really bad they get tossed/donated."
Good for you for donating your used clothing! It's just such a good deed, I bet you feel really good inside after you do that. It's so nice of you! Kudos!
Seriously, what a dick move. You have a pair of jeans that's so old and worn out with so many holes that you can't possibly wear them any more, and you decide to donate them? Ohh, wait, you said toss or donate. So there's like a fifty-fifty chance there, you'll either toss them in your own trash or make the local non-profit charity group use their funds to sort them and throw them out. Honestly if your clothes are worn out and have any holes in them anyway, the thrift store you donate them to won't want them in the first place. They get loads of clothing and throw a lot of it away anyway. Places like the Goodwill and Salvation Army get more clothing than they need, they don't need beat-up clothes that are so bad even you refuse to wear them. At what point did you look at the shredded assless chaps that you used to call your jeans and think "Well I'd never wear this again, but there's somebody out there who wants to!"
Shopping for jeans sucks. It's almost impossible to go to the store and find a couple of pairs of jeans that look good, they're not that shitty ultra-low-waist straight/skinny leg style, that fit well and have decent pockets. I'm sure you know how I feel about pockets.
But I love my jeans anyway. Possibly because of that! There's just something about going through racks of jeans until you find the Perfect Pair. I get all happy inside when I look in the dressing-room mirror at jeans that look as awesome as they feel. I love a good pair of jeans. I can get very emotional when it comes to pants, you see.
And because I love my jeans so much and it's so hard to find a good pair, I'm loathe to throw a pair out. Even when I've worn them to threads and there are giant holes in them, I think about how comfy they are and how long it took to find them, and I just can't throw them away. I will wear jeans until I have no other choice to go buy new jeans to replace them, and then I keep both the new and the old jeans. It's probably a bad habit, because I have like a billion pairs of jeans that are so ragged and worn to bits that I can't wear them unless I decide to become a very odd stripper and I still don't get rid of them. Maybe I need help or something, who knows?
I sure as hell don't.
But there's this one pair. This one pair of jeans that I am just so emotional about oh my denim god. Anybody here read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? I haven't. But I saw the movie! Or I saw like half the movie. Bits and pieces of the movie. Okay I saw the beginning of it shut up and let me finish. I have magic pants.
They aren't magic in that they fit whoever tries them on like those weird Sisterhood pants. Fuck right the hell off, I'm not letting anybody else wear these! These are mine, get your own magic pants! Don't you dare come near my jeans, Bruce Banner.
YOU'VE ALREADY GOT MAGIC PANTS ANYWAY JERK
My jeans are magic in that they fit me so well it's almost eerie. I found them in Value Village for like five bucks, ages ago. In high school, so probably like four or five years ago. And I tried them on and it's like a chorus of angels was singing, though it might have been the radio. They were perfect! They made my ass look fantastic. They fit in the waist AND in the leg, which is just like astounding when you're as short as me. I've never found jeans that fit me in the leg before! And they made my ass look fantastic. They had this neat design on the right leg, sort of cut out of the jean all neat to show brown suede-like material sewn underneath, and instead of a zipper they had the same sort of suede material in a string, lacing up the front. And did I mention that they made my ass lookfantastic? When I die I want to be buried in these jeans, for super serial.
So I got these jeans secondhand and I've been wearing them for like four or five years now. Obviously, they're starting to get a little worn out. I noticed last year that the material's getting really thin and a small hole is starting to appear around the crotch-thigh area, where my upper thighs rub together when I walk. I was literally devastated when I realized that these jeans are not immortal, and I can't wear them for the rest of my life. Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Or can I?
Well, they probably won't last the rest of my life. Unless I die tomorrow in a freak trouser explosion or something. But I can make them last longer!
I decided I didn't want to give up on my favourite jeans. There had to be some way to fix them, right? I mean, I couldn't think of any way to successfully patch a crotch without ruining the look of my jeans, but maybe there's some sort of trick out there for it. So I started googling! TO THE SEARCHMOBILE
NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND BUT OK
First thing I found was Denim Therapy. Apparently I send them my jeans and some money and they will fix my damaged pants. I put it on my list of things to Consider. Maybe to some people it would sound crazy to be willing to pay somebody what will probably end up being a fairly substantial amount of money to repair a five-dollar pair of jeans from a thrift store. In which case, what have you been reading up till now because it probably wasn't this blog post. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY DENIM LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
But anyway. If I couldn't find any other options I would probably end up going for Denim Therapy, but I'd rather save that money and fix them myself if it turns out to be possible. Hey I said I'd be willing to pay someone to fix my jeans, not that I want to do it. Luckily for me, I kept searching and found a couple of answers!
The most common one is "make a patch." Usually of another layer of same-colour denim or a funky-looking patch of another colour, material, or pattern. That would probably work for the knee or something, if there was a hole there, but for my crotch? It sounds like it would end up being ugly and bulky and uncomfortable, since the jeans are fairly tight. I have a few pairs of jeans that I can rescue with this patch-method, but I doubt it would work for my magic jeans.
And then I found this. It is exactly, perfectly what I need to save my favourite pair of jeans from becoming totally unwearable. It's perfect! It's incredible, fantastic, amazing, it'sintastimazing! I had no idea that I could fix my jeans in such a clean, tidy-looking way! I'd settled for getting the hole in my jeans patched up in an awkward but serviceable way, so they look slightly less awesome but I can wear them again. It's like magic! I can save my magic pants with magic sewing! Thank you, Google! Now let's party. TURN THE MUSIC UP AND DANCE, MOFOS
they're friggin everywhere
I had hoped we'd fixed this stupid problem. We've always had a huge problem with ants in this house -- well, I've always had a huge problem with ants in this house. Everybody else is like "oh they're just tiny little bugs get over it already they aren't gonna hurt you" to which I respond "are you blind THEY ARE THE DEVIL IN AN EXOSKELETON they will crawl into your skin while you sleep and nest in your lungs" but nobody ever listens to me, I'm craaazy. Well we'll see who's crazy soon. We'll see!!
But anyway. Ants.
We had a problem with ants, there's always been a couple of ant hills around the house. Couple of steps from the back door, anthill. Side of the house by the window, anthill. End of the driveway, anthill. Middle of the driveway, anthill. Just ants all the time. The worst one was last summer, though. We were repairing the front eaves and it turns out there was a leak on the corner. The wet wood had started to rot, just a bit at the front, and then the ants invaded and destroyed it, making a nest inside my roof
inside my roof inside my roof INSIDE MY ROOF THE SQUATTING BASTARDS
and all summer they were just crawling all over the place -- I literally threw a plate of spaghetti across the room on reflex because I went to pick it up and saw it crawling with ants. The little bastards ruined my spaghetti! My spaghetti! Is nothing sacred?!
So anyway. We found this fucking ant nest inside our roof, had to replace that part of the roof entirely, sprayed poison everywere, did everything in our power to kill the fuckers
and
they
still
won't
leave
It is just the worst thing, knowing that there are insects crawling everywhere. You get hyper-aware of your skin. Every errant tickle is an ant crawling up your leg. Do you have long hair? Imagine just getting a long hair somewhere, and you feel this constant tickle up your arm and in your head you're like "it's probably just a stupid frigging hair stuck in my shirt" but you keep reacting with OHGODIT'SONMEGETITOFFGETITOFF
I don't care what anybody says. Ants are terrifying fucking bastards and if you think anything different then clearly they have already gotten you. I'm sorry. You're one of Them now. Serving Their needs and dancing to Their dark, unholy song. There's just nothing I can do to help at this point, you're lost to the human race forever.
Seriously though, snakes rock. They get a bad rap, what with all the squeaky-screamy people jumping on chairs going "eeeek!" when they see them. Or do they only do that for mice? I guess if somebody's timid enough to scream and jump up on a chair because of an itsy little cute mousy, they'd do it for a snake too. Geez, imagine how jumpy-screamy they'd be at a snake and a mouse!
But yeah, I've gotten off topic. I'm talking about how awesome snakes are, and how much I love them. They're just so cool! They're like the prettiest reptiles ever, I mean I'd like to see a gator or a bearded dragon look as fancy as this albino cobra.
But it's not just cool or pretty or exotic snakes I love. I like all of them! Just any snake anywhere makes me squeal with glee. Look at this little guy! Doesn't he look just so neat!?
I kind of desperately want a pet snake, haha. Or a pet hamster. Or a pet cat or dog or turtle or just about anything, really, I love animals. Unfortunately I am not in the position to own a pet just this minute, whine sob weep woe is me. A pet snake would be really cool, though.
Do you know why they are the worst pants? It's because they are secretly bad.
I've hated them for months, but I can't throw them out because one, who throws out pants don't be ridiculous. And two, the second I take them off, I forget how terrible they are. Because they look really good! They fit me well, they're new-looking without any holes or wear, the hem is still attatched. They have pockets. You have no idea how much I love pockets, you guys. They're great. Like half of my pants have these shitty little pockets that I can get maybe half my hand into when I'm not wearing a ring or anything. Or worse, they don't have pockets at all. I have one pair of pants that has fake pockets. They look like they have pockets! There is the pocket opening, and a button for the pocket, and all that pockety goodness that makes you think "yup, these are some pockety pants!" But then you try and put your hand in the pocket, and the pocket isn't there. The pocket is fake. It's the pocket opening sewn onto a pocketless pair of pants. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Wait shit I started complaining about the wrong pants. Oops.
So Worst Pants have pockets, and no holes, and all the belt loops are secure and attatched. They look like any normal pair of NotWorst Pants. I don't realize until like halfway through the day that the pants I am wearing are, in fact, Worst Pants.
Because that is when I realize that my fly never stays zipped.
I must have zipped my fly like five bajillion times today. Do I have a tiny pixie living in my Worst Pants, unzipping my fly every five minutes? Am I forgetfully unzipping my fly at random? Am I hallucinating my pants and actually walking around in my underpants all day? I hope it's not that last one. That would be embarrassing. Though compulsive fly unzipping isn't exactly elegant either.
At first I wasn't sure how to end a blog post about pants, but then I realized that there was only one way.
