Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Egg Quest: Concluded?

Can it be?  Have I discovered the secret to Delicious Eggs?  Has my lifelong quest to improve terrible foods finally come to an end?  Can I really call it a lifelong quest if I only started it a couple of weeks ago?

Yeah, I guess not.

Anyway, I made some scrambled eggs tonight.  They were delicious!  At first.  They turned gross when they started to cool off, I guess eggs are the sort of thing that only taste good hot?  Is that an egg thing?  I don't eat eggs how should I know.  Cooling-off breakfast taquitos are still good though.  But I'm pretty sure they are magical wands in food form what with the being unbelievably delicious thing.

So my scrambled eggs: I discovered the secret to making them taste delicious.  I must add as many other ingredients as it takes to mask the egg-taste.  Which sure, maybe it's cheating, but seriously eggs are gross and I don't know if I can fix that.  So I added a few lumps of grated cheese, a quarter of an onion, four slices of bacon, a bit of milk, butter, and a bit of pepper and sugar.  Is it weird to put sugar in eggs?  Batman, any thoughts?

Wait, no it's not weird or no you don't have thoughts?  BATMAN COME BACK I'M CONFUSED

Anyway, the recipe I was (mostly) following said to fry the bacon while you prepare the other ingredients.  I am sorry, Recipe, I guess you're a lot better at dicing onions and finding the pepper and grating cheese than I am.  Or at least you can do it a lot faster.  Because when I tried to do it that way I got like, less than halfway through dicing the onion before the bacon started getting burn-y.  Again.  Saved it in time this go around, though!!  Anyway here's a Life Tip, when you try a new thing always assume it will take you approximately sixteen times longer to do the little nibbly details than it did for Person Who Has Done It A Million Times And So Wrote A Recipe For Scrambled Eggs Where They Think It's Totally Reasonable To Prepare All The Ingredients In The Time It Takes To Fry Bacon And By The Way Bacon Apparently Needs A Lot Of Attention So Maybe You Shouldn't Do Anything Else While Making Bacon If You Are As Not-Great At Cooking As I Am, And This Name Turned Out To Be Way Longer Than It Needed To Be.  Gasp, pant, breathe.

Anyway, the recipe is pretty similar to the eggs I made last time, what with the bacon and the cheese.  So clearly, the secret ingredient that made them Delicious instead of Tolerable was the onions.  This doesn't surprise me.  Onions are amazing.  They are the most delicious things in the world and every time someone tries to convince me otherwise it just makes me more certain that Onions Are The Best Thing Ever Fuck You.  Don't believe in the awesomeness of onions?  They made scrambled eggs taste amazing!  Onions are magic, I'm telling you.


For the record, add a bit of onion soup mix to the patty-meat when you are making hamburgers or mooseburgers, it makes them taste amaaaaaazing.  Fuck yeah, onions!!!  =D

So, is this the end of my egg quest?  In finding the secret to making yummy scrambled eggs, has my journey finally come to a close?  Can I lay to rest my weary spatula, hang the apron, and close the pantry door for good?  Okay okay Batman's telling me to shut up already.  Besides, I didn't even use a spatula.   Or own an apron.  Also I don't technically have a pantry.  Well, maybe I have a pantry.  A pantry can just be a shelf full of condiments, right?  Like it doesn't specifically have to be a food-closet-thing, does it?  Oh.  Wikipedia says my shelf of condiments can't be a pantry because a pantry specifically has to be a food-closet-thing.  Well fuck you too, Wikipedia, fuck you too.

I'm sorry, Wikipedia.  I didn't mean it.  Can we be friends again?  I miss you.

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